The Caterpillar's Journey

The Last Post

2009-03-24T12:39:00.003Z

I've decided to officially stop blogging and will be taking it down shortly.

I've turned a corner in my life, I've finally pretty much healed, the scars will always be there, I will always struggle with some things, but the terror and the hurt has gone now. I think the reason I started my blog was to use it as an outlet for lots of pain that was still inside, I struggled so much with my relationship with Mr M at the beginning, because of what had happened to me with The Ex, that I needed somewhere to spill it all, without boring my friends repeatedly or going stir crazy on my own. Mr M was the first bloke to come along that I did actually really like after The Ex, therefore I had so much more lose and it scared me. Here was the only place I actually said what I was thinking, reading back I was just absolutely terrified, I knew Mr M was right for me, which is why I perservered to work through my feelings, I'm so glad I did.

It has taken me two years to feel secure with Mr M, but I'm there now (most of the time) and he has mostly treated me with patience. Things are good, we love each other and will hopefully have a long and happy future together. He is moving in within the next few months, we've booked a holiday and made a few financial comittments together, we are officially serious and together. I have so much love for him, this relationship has shown me what love is all about and that everything really does happen for a reason. I'm a completely different person than I was a couple of years ago, some of it is down to Mr M, but I think most of it is down to me. I have a new outlook, I'm more chilled and up for a good time and I no longer get stressed if my house isn't immaculate, I'm too busy living my life. I'm proud of what I have become.

Other areas in my life are going well too, money is fine, job is fine (fingers crossed it stays that way in this climate), my sister is pregnant, after being told she couldn't have children, the rest of my family are all fine, I've just bought a sexy new car and my cats love each other lol, they now cuddle up and officially seem to like each other most of the time, this makes me extraordinarly happy!

Of course life isn't perfect, but at least I realise that no one's is. You take the rough with the smooth and you learn from everything.

Thank you to everyone that has read this and often left comments, those comments really spurred me on and helped when I was feeling so alone. Farewell my virtual friends, may you all be blessed, with health, wealth and happiness.

xxx

Quick one

2008-12-22T15:45:00.001Z

Just a quick one to wish you all a merry christmas. Life is very busy but very good. Mr M is being fantastic and work is really good at the moment too.

Marriage and Children

2008-11-03T12:07:00.000Z

It's been a busy few weeks, Mr M is doing as well as can be expected, things between us are great. We went to the wedding that the dreaded hen do was for, it was a lovely day and we had a fantastic weekend away. We are so close and get on so brilliantly, he said he would marry again if it was to me...I'm obviously over the moon that he said that, but really not sure how I feel about marrying again. I really enjoyed the wedding, but when it was the service part, I could hear everyone sobbing and blowing their noses around me, I just felt emotionless, I guess I'm quite cynical now and believe its easy to make those vows and not mean them. The only bit of emotion I felt was when her dad was giving his speech and he was choking on his words. I would like to be joined to him forever, but not sure marriage gives you that committment. He also mentioned having children and that he would love to see what our child would look like and that I would make a good mother, these comments surprised me, as he has said in the past he doesn't want anymore children...I think I do, but not entirely sure.

We are definitely at a more serious stage and probably have been for a good few months now, there is more talk of the future and long term future. Going to the wedding with me, was a huge step and it was fantastic having him there. I'm so proud of him, he charms the socks off everyone he meets, we have such a good laugh together, lots of deep interesting conversations, he is gorgeous, we have such fantastic chemistry, he's attentive, I should stop gushing now, before you all throw up!

I did the bride and bridesmaid's make up, both of which thankfully turned out well, which is obviously a huge relief! It was an honour to do it, but also extremely scary, its one thing doing your own make up okay, but entirely different doing someone elses! I got a thank you and a huge bouquet of flowers during the speeches, which was so touching. The flowers are beautiful, but unfortunately I have to keep them on top of my kitchen cupboards, otherwise Bobby (more like hooligan than kitten) will wreck them.

I wish I'd booked today off work, I'm exhausted.

Believe it or not I actually quite enjoyed it!

2008-10-21T13:11:00.000+01:00

I actually had quite a good time really. I still don't really understand the fun aspect of jumping in to freezing cold rivers, but I am proud to say I was the only one that did all the jumps. 18ft in to freezing cold water! I wasn't quite prepared for the fact there would be lots of swimming, being under the water and rock climbing involved, but I did it all and wasn't too bad at it actually! I did have a moment just before I jumped in to the river, my lip trembled and my eyes welled up, but I got over it and just went for it. The night out was a good laugh, really nice group of girls and I even managed to do a spot of pole dancing and we all got on really well and the horse riding was good too. It took me nearly all week to recover from it. So, okay lesson learnt, I will not be so negative in future and I'm tougher than I think!

It was so hard being away though and if I hadn't been driving the hen I would have come back on Saturday, poor Mr M's mum died unexpectedly on Friday night. She was in hospital, but she didn't seem to be that bad. He just sent me a text saying 'she's gone baby, i can't believe it'. I'll never forget that message. It was such a hard weekend, I felt awful being away, he avoided lots of my calls as he didn't want me to know how upset he was, so I wouldn't feel bad, all I wanted was just to be with him, hold him and take care of him. He was so close to his mum, he is doing okay, but I'm worried, he isn't eating or sleeping properly and is too busy taking care of everyone else to concentrate on himself. He has written her a beautiful poem, it is so heart wrenching and would make the hardest person cry. It's the funeral later, I'm not even sure its hit him yet. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose your mum, I don't know what I'd do without mine, knowing that I can go to her whenever and for whatever, just knowing that she is always there and will love me unconditionally no matter what.

On my way to work this morning I saw the most perfect rainbow, somewhere over the rainbow is being sung at the funeral....

Forthcoming Torture Weekend

2008-10-07T13:58:00.002+01:00

The closer it gets the more apprehensive I am feeling about this hen weekend. I know it should be fun and everyone keeps saying I will enjoy it when I'm there and I really hope they're right but I have a little feeling they won't be. I am trying so hard to be positive and think how good it will be for me, but to tell you the truth I am scared. This may come across as really negative and whinging, but I haven't actually said all of this aloud to anyone for fear of people thinking that, so before I explode I am allowing myself to spill what is really going on in my head....

I'm not a loud, outgoing type and struggle if I am with a number of loud people, I am quite happy to just let them take over and just observe from the edge, sometimes this could come across that I am 'in a mood' or not joining in, but its really not that, I just can't compete with loud people and don't like being the centre of attention. I don't know anyone else going apart from the hen, who will be catching up with everyone and I will have already spent 4 hours in the car with her. I obviously don't know what anyone else is like, but from what I have been told they do all know each other and are all in to the outdoors lifestyle and sports. I'm not at all, I like shopping, buying clothes, doing my hair and make up blah blah blah, things which I think they think are just pointless and shallow. I'm scared they will judge me for being like this, I'm scared I won't be able to keep up on the activity and will need help, I don't want to be the one lagging behind, that everyone rolls their eyes at for being upfit and more bothered about her nails etc. Already I've had comments about how they know its not my thing and not to worry about co-ordinating etc. so some little joke has already been said about me. I don't want to spend the weekend being made fun of. I know it won't be done in a nasty way, but I still don't want that.

To be honest I can't think of anything worse than wading through water, sliding down mud slides, jumping down 18ft water falls and climbing over rocks for 6 hours. I don't want to break any nails, that I have spent 6 months growing, I don't want to get covered in bruises, I don't want to wee behind a bush and I don't want to wreck my clothes. I don't want to share a dormatory and bathroom with a load of people I don't know. I am not happy that I have had to do something I never thought I would do and borrow an anorak with a hood off my mum, its lilac and doesn't match any of my other clothes lol.

On a positive note it will be good to do something completely out of my comfort zone, I might surprise myself with my fitness, I might get on really well with them and have a really good laugh, I am looking forward to having lots of fresh air and doing the pony trek on the Sunday, I am also looking forward to wearing lots of nice snuggly clothes. Despite being quiet I do usually find that I can get on well with most people, I can generally get people laughing. It will be good for me to do something completely different, with completely different people.

I guess I only have two choices either play up to the fact its not me and raise a few laughs, which is what will come naturally to do, or grit my teeth and pretend none of it is a problem. I want to do option two but I don't know if I can carry that off for longer than an hour.

Okay moan over, I will now try and look forward to it, no more negative thoughts, comments and judgements.

I won't even be able to wear a cute woolly hat, as I will have a helmet stuck on my head most of the weekend....

I have and I am

2008-10-03T12:55:00.000+01:00

In the past few weeks I have:

- Made Corn on the Cob with lemon juice and black pepper for the first time and it was gorgeous.
- Been to a ball with the girls and had a great time, it was lovely to get really dressed up for a change and I won a raffle prize, I never win anything.
- Been to a fantastic gig, where Mr M's band was playing, I was so proud and also very excited about my new outfit of the tartan ruched mini skirt from Next, black top and big scarf, I think I worked it quite well and was also pleased I had the confidence to wear it, as not only was it very short, but also quite bright and colour and even patterned!
- Been to a fashion show, it was a mix of designer and high street, everything I pointed out that I liked was unfortunately designer though.
- Had a fantastic night in with my best friends, I have not cried with laughter like that for a very long time or been as drunk.
- Had an extremely busy time at work, but liking it lots.
- Managed to keep up the horse riding, I am waning slightly though, the initial excitement is wearing off and I am sick of spending half the week in pain. I am also not as good as I want to be, which is why I sometimes have the tendency to give up on hobbies. I am determined to keep on with it though, its doing me the world of good, I think.
- Bought some lovely new clothes and also made a really good start on Christmas and Birthday presents (I have 12 close peoples birthdays coming up).
- Seen quite a lot of Mr M, things are good, I am loving him a lot. The difficult phase seems to have come to an end.
- Been loving my cats lots, they are getting on much better, Steven is being very patient and Bobby seems to be trying to supress the urge to jump on Steven.

In the next few weeks I am:

- Going on a hen do which I am dreading, its an outdoors activity weekend. I am so not an outdoors person, I hate getting wet, dirty and sweating. We are going gorge walking and pony trekking, looking forward to the latter but thinking I would rather stick a fork in my eye than do the gorge bit. Wearing tracksuit bottoms and fleeces is just not me, never mind the walking through water, going down mud slides and climbing up waterfalls bit.
- Going to the wedding for the above, Mr M is also coming (I hope he doesn't cancel, after all this time I still have this issue), can't decide what to wear as I think early November in Wales is going to be very cold.
- Doing the brides make up, which is a little scary, I hope I don't mess it up.
- Going on lots of birthday nights out and gigs.
- Going to be very very busy at work until mid December now, which will be the climax of a huge campaign I have been working on for nearly 12 months. I hope we win.
- Going to continue horse riding.
- Going to remain the calm, content person I feel today.

Goods and Bads

2008-09-15T11:48:00.003+01:00

Bads:

- I'm going through an extremely difficult phase in my relationship with Mr M at the moment, every now and then I get glimpses of what is was like, which is why I can't walk away. I still have hope that it is just a temporary glitch and normality will resume. I have cried far too much lately, there is nothing more lonely than sobbing to yourself.
- The Ex has a baby on the way.
- I am so poor at the moment, I hate having to pay out for boring things like exhaust pipes and tyres.
- My mum had a bit of an accident on holiday, which has knocked her for six. She just tripped up and has cracked ribs, needed stitches in her chin, badly bruised and needed 3 teeth removing, she is still really shook up about it.
- My 3 month old expensive washing machine has broken and unbelievably I have to take a full day off work to sit in and wait for their engineer to come. What happened to customer service?
- All in all the last month has been pretty crap

Goods:

- When its good with Mr M, its fantastic
- Bobby has started to settle a little and giving me lots of joy, even Steven seems to be a bit better with her being around now
- Work is going well. I've nearly been here a year now, its gone so quick and I actually really like it
- I finally have a hobby, so now if ever asked what my hobby is I can say something more meaningful than shopping and socialising! I have got back in the saddle (horse) after a 15 year break and I'm loving it. My god its hard work though, I don't remember it making me so out of breath and sweat so much when I was 13. My bum and thighs are already firmer and I have that great slightly smug feeling the day after, when I'm aching all over and can barely walk, but know its because I've done something good.
- I love my friends, every single one of them.
- The CSA has caught up with The Ex and he now has to live on £100 a week for many years to come, I know this, as unbelievably he still works for my dad and they have contacted him to take his salary at source as he was refusing to pay it. This is for some poor kid he has fathered in the last few years. I feel guilty for being pleased about this little bit of news.

So there we are an even number of goods and bads, I didn't want to come across as all negative. Truth be known though I am really struggling at the moment.

Turmoil

2008-08-29T10:24:00.001+01:00

I always thought I'd blog more when in turmoil, but actually I blog less. Its hard to make sense of what's happening.

Summer Holidays

2008-08-22T11:59:00.000+01:00

I was talking to my friend last night who has two children, she was saying how she can't wait for September, then she doesn't have to come up with cheap ways to entertain the kids every day. She is sick of hearing them say 'I am bored' but then come September she will then just be hearing 'I don't want to go to school', anyway it got me thinking of the things my mum did to entertain us every summer. Some effective, some not so. There were the days we had to meet up with her friends and their children and be forced to play nicely, picnics in local parks, which would invariably end in tears after falling out over who had to have the marmalade sandwiches that no one liked, we would go and visit my grandparents who lived in Blackpool, I am well aware of how lucky I was to have grandparents that lived in such a place. The most memorable days though were the ones when my dad were drop us off somewhere random and then come back for us 8 hours later. He used to work all over the place, so would drop us off somewhere really early in the morning, then come back for us on his way home. My poor mum would then be left to try and find something for us to do for a very long day. One particular occasion, I don't recollect where we'd been dropped, but there was absolutely nothing to do, so we went to the train station and got the train back home, then had to get the train back to where he was picking us up from - these were the days long before mobile phones. We all pretended we'd had a nice day there anyway, so as not to hurt his feelings.

The annual summer holiday until I was about 8, was always in Britain on the South Coast, my dad always had an estate car, so as a treat and I guess to stop arguments I would get to sit in the boot on a duvet surrounded by suitcases, safety didn't seem to come in to it in them days, I would sit there waving at the other motorists for the 6 hour non-stop journey, my dad had a thing about not stopping, I had never been in a service station until I was about 13 on a school trip, as a result I have a cast iron bladder. My dad was always a busy man, who worked hard and I guess had a stressful life, during the week he would be grumpy and at weekends he was often busy at the sports club, we saw a lot of him but he wasn't a cuddly dad, if you know what I mean, our annual holiday transformed him in to the dad I guess we kind of wanted all the time, he would play with us, laugh with us and just generally have fun with us. I don't want this to seem like I'm critising him, I'm not, he was a great dad, always there for us, solid, dependable, good provider, gave us the odd smack when we needed it but he has always been a bit difficult to talk to, we've accepted it though. Things are better now we're all grown up, I think he knows how to deal with us better now that he doesn't need to have a disciplinarian role.

Lots of happy memories, I always loved getting my new school uniform, choosing shiny shoes and that year's 'trendy' bag. I loved getting a new pencil case and carefully selecting what should go in it. Ahhh those were the days....

Nowadays life is pretty shit!

Its not right

2008-08-18T12:52:00.001+01:00

He eventually text to say he would come round, so I sat waiting again, then he text to say he was in the pub and wouldn't be coming, the tears started up again, then he pulled up outside my house. He had been joking!!!! Ha fucking ha! Not exactly the right time to be having a joke. He is just playing mind games with me and being in control.

We had a massive argument, I totally lost it, then we talked lots, agreed on the way forward etc. ended up having a nice night. He left early this morning. When I got up I couldn't stop crying, it may be 'sorted', but is it really, can I get past the hurt and upset? Can I forgive him for leaving me like that on Sat night, when he admitted he knew how upset I would be?

Do I want to be with someone who can do that to me and hurt me like that?

Its all going wrong

2008-08-17T15:50:00.002+01:00

I am sat here crying my eyes out, I now understand the phrase depths of despair. I was meant to go out with Mr M last night, he just didn't show up, didn't text or call or anything. Didn't reply to any of my texts and didn't answer his phone. I sat there waiting for 6 1/2 hours. He eventually text at 1:30am and had a go at me for being upset with him. I got two texts, then he stopped responding. I received one today a few hours ago just to say he is sick of hurting me, so its best we leave things. He is now ignoring me again. I can't handle it, I really can't. I just want to talk to him and see him and find out what the fuck is going on. I know I deserve better than this. When you love someone things aren't so black and white though.

Its nearly 3 years to the day my ex went, why does everything always go so wrong? Can someone please tell me what the point of it all is? I don't get it, you work your arse off, you give someone everything, you get hurt and then you die, so what is the point in doing it all?

My parents and my sister are away, my friends are all busy, I haven't seen anyone for over 24 hours now, I think I am truly losing it here. Can someone help me please?

2nd Incident

2008-08-14T12:18:00.001+01:00

I never did get to my other embarrassing incident did I? I bought my sister who is tiny, a mini dress for her birthday, as a treat for Mr M, I put it on to pick him up the other night from band practice. As I'm a good 6 inches taller and a size bigger than her, it was indecent, didn't cover all of my bum and I was bursting out of it, did kind of look good in a slutty hooker kind of way though! I rang to tell him I was outside, they were playing, so he obviously couldn't hear me. I waited 20 minutes, then just had to bite the bullet it and go in. God that entrance was so embarrassing, I would love to say I had the confidence to just fling the door open and brazen it out, but I am unfortunately not that kind of girl. So I just opened the door all meekly and tried to shuffle to the couch with my back to the wall, they all looked and stopped playing and just stared. Mr M's face was a picture. They didn't start playing again after that, just all looked a lot and made comments. In a way it was nice I suppose that they wanted to look, but I would rather have just kept that particular look for Mr M! He said he was very proud lol! It was just all very obvious I had dressed up for Mr M and not very cool or casually done at all.

I seem to be having a run of bad luck at the moment in the past week I have sprained my ankle, left my glasses on an aeroplane (2nd time in a year!!!), broke my new washing machine, broke my home phone and broke my digital camera! Its been a very expensive week! On the plus side I have had a fab weekend with the girls in Krakow, Mr M is being great and really sweet, seeing lots of him.

The cats are still living very seperate lives, Steven is happy, Bobby is cute but still destructive. I swear she thinks she is a puppy, she has so far scratched my dining room table and chairs badly, ruined my wool lounge rug, destroyed the roman blinds in the lounge, put holes in the shower curtain and 2 sets of bedroom curtains from climbing up them, she chews shoes and belts, she begs for food and tries to steal off your plate, if you throw her a toy she runs and fetches it. Left alone in a room, she can destroy it in minutes by opening and emptying drawers, throwing cushions everywhere, knocking ornaments over, need I go on. She's only still here because she is so cute and loving, she adores cuddles and kisses and loves to stick her tongue up my nostril, which is not so enjoyable for me.

Do things come in 3's

2008-08-04T12:30:00.001+01:00

I have had two rather embarrassing incidents in the last few days, I hoping things won't come in threes, I can't cope with anymore!

Last week my boss had someone in his office, who is my friend on facebook, they started to discuss what it does etc. and she said log on as me and I'll show you, so they were merrily looking around the site and he spotted I was her friend and clicked on me. I could hear what they were doing, I was sat with my back to them, inwardly groaning, knowing there is a full history on there, showing exactly what times I had done things, showing my status updates, which I used to be proud to say were fairly witty and updated daily, somestimes more. My boss and I have a strictly professional relationship, or we did. At work I'm a fairly quiet, serious girl, out of work I'm quite different, I like to keep the two apart. So the conversation went like this:

Boss: Laughing hysterically.......So Miss Butterfly you could get used to driving around in my Ferrari could you?
Me: Erm yes it was nice (I had only driven it that afternoon and stupidly decided to put it on my status update)
Boss: Your mood says you're feeling on edge today, why?
Me: Nervous laugh, oh its nothing.
Boss: Why were you feeling loved on Monday?
Me: I just had a nice weekend
Boss: Oh is that because you liked twirling round in your big skirt? (another status update)
Me: Erm yes, could we please stop this now?
Boss: No, its too much fun. Awww you put a sad face, after saying I have now worked 11 hours and just want to go home, when was that?
Me: The day you asked me to come in at 6am and we didn't finish until gone 6pm
Boss: Oh yes I remember, don't be sad though.

And so it went on for what felt like hours but was probably 10 minutes.....then he piped up with - You can find a lot about someone looking at these things, ooooh here are your photos. At which point I got up and went home, sweating profusely and very red in the face. I had little screams to myself all the way home, remembering other updates he would have seen. Luckily nothing bad about him or work, just personal and very embarrassing for your boss to read, not to mention lots of entries during work hours. I had a sleepless night and was dreading what his reaction would be the next day, I walked in to a meeting and he stopped everyone and asked me how my mood was and what my status was today, I replied mortified, he then laughed and proceeded to tell everyone in the room all about it. Oh how they laughed, oh how I didn't. Lesson has been well and truly learnt.

Incident number 2 is not so bad, will post it later.

(Things in general are not good at the moment, think I may be losing it)

It's such a perfect day

2008-07-28T09:58:00.000+01:00

What a perfect weekend, amazing what a little bit of sunshine can do. I spent Saturday afternoon with my best friend and her little boy, he is soooo cute and it was lovely to spend some quality time with him. He went on a little fairground ride and we told him to hold on, he spent the whole ride looking really grumpy, probably thinking I wish I could wave like the other kids are doing, but mum and Aunty have told me I've got to hold on! Saturday night I went to see a band with Mr M, just the two of us and it was such a good night, Sunday we spent the day lazing around, then we called at my parents (1st time with him and he did me proud), then we went for a drink to a country pub, it was so nice sitting outside, chatting, hugging, kissing, awww it was just perfect. I was wearing a gorgeous full skirt, which was fantastic for twirling in, think Mr M got a bit embarrassed when I kept doing it. When we got back home we had a romantic candlit dinner in the garden, courtesy of the fantastic dine in offer M+S had on this weekend!

Work has slowed down a bit now, so I'm no longer just treading water. Bit skint at the moment and can't see that improving any time soon. Cats are still not getting on. Going to Krakow in 2 weeks just for a weekend away with the girls really looking forward to it, its 27c there at the moment, just not sure how I'm going to pay for it and will really miss Mr M though, I haven't actually got round to telling him yet, he still seems to have stupid issues with me going away.

Bobby's Girl

2008-07-21T15:50:00.002+01:00

Just a quick one, things are been up and down and round and round lately. Today is a good day, although knackered after 3 hours sleep, working and playing too hard at the moment. Things with Mr M have been tough lately, lots of upsetting arguments, seems to be one thing after another, can I cope with much more? I don't know. I just know that I love him and when I'm in his arms I can't be happier.

I collapsed in a heap of tears at the weekend and little bobby came and licked my tears away, she then disappeared and came back with her fluffy pink heart that she carries round in her mouth and dropped it on my knee, my heart just melted. Attached is a pic of her with the heart, although she is a lot smaller on this.

My little girl

2008-07-07T10:38:00.002+01:00

Hope you like the pictures of trouble attached and also one of my main man. They have spent quite a bit of time in the same room this weekend, breakthrough! Steven is tolerating Bobby now at least. She is bringing me lots of joy, she is so loving but is still a very naughty girl sometimes!

Its been a tough weekend, Mr M has been away and practically every plan I made to keep myself busy fell though. Not a happy chappy today. Should see him later though. I hate that my weekend is rubbish just because he isn't around, I shouldn't be so reliant. I did try so hard to have good, fun things planned but they all got cancelled for various reasons.

RIP

2008-07-04T11:40:00.000+01:00

I found out yesterday that a friend from school has died. It has really shocked and upset me, but I feel like I don't have a right to be. We didn't keep in touch after school, just had a chat if we bumped in to each other and were friends on facebook, that was it, we weren't close at all.

He was such a nice lad, so fit and active, he got leukemia and died really quickly, he got married on the saturday and died on the sunday, its so sad. He is the only one, that we know about anyway, that has died from school, no one from our year ever got ill, had an accident or anything. I suppose it makes you question your own mortality and life. If I died tomorrow would I be happy with what I had done and achieved, NO!

RIP A.M.

Rock Chick

2008-07-01T11:19:00.003+01:00

The gig on Friday was amazing!!! I've been to loads of gigs there and never seen the place bouncing so much, I was so proud of my Mr M, he's so talented and looks so sexy and gorgeous when he's on stage. I had the courage to wear my dress, but I wore opaque leggings with it, a first for me as I've been avoiding leggings like the plague thinking they made my legs look too thin. I felt really good in it and got some nice comments. All in all it was a fantastic night.

Saturday we spent the day analysing the gig, then I went and had an early dinner with my friends, was really good to have a catch up, then I picked him up and we went to his friends gig in town, it was a good night, but the band was a little dull, they didn't really grab you. Was really weird as I bumped in to a lad I went to primary school with, the first thing we both said, was 'god you've got tall' lol, we are both now taller than average but it was still funny, guess you always think of people staying the same as the last time you saw them. I also bumped in to him yesterday which is weird after not seeing him for 18 years, then twice in a few days!

I'm ashamed to say on Sunday we got out of bed at 11pm!!! Except for a quick trip to the shop for bacon, eggs, papers etc. and toilet trips! It was a very self indulgent, relaxing day and lovely to spend real quality time together.

Things are good.

Breakthrough on Sunday in that Steven and Bobby were on our bed practically touching for nearly 1/2 an hour. Steven was very rigid and obviously very on edge but he didn't run away like he has been doing, Bobby was desperately trying not to pounce on him and be a good girl, she managed for a while then couldn't help herself, she kept reaching out to touch him, she got a growl, then she went downstairs. I am so pleased though and imagining them sleeping together and cleaning each other!

Update

2008-06-27T10:50:00.000+01:00

Sorry I've been rubbish at blogging lately, just been soooo busy!

Right where shall I start...Bobby my new kitten is settling in well and a joy to have in the house, she is so cute and follows me around like a little sheep, she is so loving and likes lots of cuddles, I am covered in scratches and her favourite thing to play with is poo from her little tray! Steven is happy so long as they aren't in the same room, he is just doing what he's always done, so its not bothering him too much, I do wish they could become friends though, afterall the main reason for getting her was to help Steven!

I've just come back from a weeks holiday in the sun, the resort was a bit quiet but it was really nice to just chill out for a bit in the sun with my friend. The men over there were so forward, but polite...they asked if they could touch your bottom before they actually just went for it! Missed Mr M more than ever though, he was great this time and I had none of the usual silliness when I go away, infact things with him have been pretty great for ages now. Work has been a nightmare since my return, incredibly busy trying to get through the backlog, I had a temp who quit after a few days as she couldn't handle the pressure, silly woman, so much for the big I am, that she gave me when I met her!

Mr M is yet again going through difficult times, trying to be there for him but its tough going sometimes. I've been seeing him loads for the last few months and he has been so attentive and sweet. I wish things would turnaround for him, he has had a right shit year. Tonight is the first time I'll see his new band live properly, I can't wait, I know he's going to make me so proud. I've bought a new dress, but I don't think I have the confidence to wear it, he loves it and really wants me to though. It does look nice, its just very short and very tight and very rocky, I know it will attract attention, good or bad I don't know. He can't understand why I worry about wearing things like that, oh but I do. I've come on a long way since I met him, he has given me the confidence to just go for it, but I'm really not sure I can do this dress, maybe I'm a bit too old for dresses like that......hmmm will decide tonight.

Knock kneed

2008-06-06T10:32:00.000+01:00

I'm wearing city shorts today for the 1st time ever, I know, I 'm a bit late but my legs are so skinny its taken this long to find a pair slim fitting enough! Feel really self concious, I hate wearing something a bit different for the first time I feel like everyones looking at me, when I know they're not really (I hope). Bit worried I look knock kneed and legs look like twigs. I am sitting down a lot today so far!

What a couple of weeks, I am absolutely exhausted! Little Bobby is settling in well and is actually a she, which is a bit of a nightmare as means I won't be able to let her out to play until she is spayed at 6 months. There are a few tomcats round here that effeminately haven't been 'done'! I really think they should provide a contraceptive injection for young cats. She has masses of energy and I've found the constant playing and moving items not to be played with a bit of a struggle. She has disrupted my life big time, but when she sleeps in my arms and kisses me it makes it all worthwhile. Steven hasn't quite made friends with her yet, although has mostly stopped growling at her and seems to be more tolerant, even ignored her whilst she was playing with his tail when he was eating. Slight problem now is that Bobby developed a limp yesterday so is barely moving around, she careers round like a maniac so I think she has banged it. Will see how it is tomorrow, she isn't insured yet!!!

Last weekend I went to see Girls Aloud and Foo Fighters, is that wrong? I thoroughly enjoyed both in their own ways! Girls Aloud was nice to do something cheesy and I surprisingly knew a lot of the lyrics, outfits were amazing and it was a pretty good show. The only problem was that I was sat next to a 40-year old man who was a die hard fan, who kept wanting to high five me after each song, kept saying it was the best night of his life and kept asking me who I loved. He couldn't comprehend it when I said I didn't love any of them. For the last song, he took his shirt off and swung it round his head. His son kept asking him to sit down - bless. The Foo's was an altogether different experience, it got me foot tapping and head nodding alot more than Girls Aloud and Dave Grohl is just beautiful and an amazing front man!

Things with Mr M are good, seeing lots of him and he is being lovely. He is going through some difficult stuff at the moment, so needs lots of looking after, although ringing to be picked up at 3am this morning was a bit much and yes I went and got him. Just can't leave him when he needs me.

I go on holiday a week on Monday for a week, looking forward to the rest, but its causing more lots of stress, worried about not being at work and the huge pile I'll come back to, worried about leaving Mr M whilst he's like this and the fact I haven't yet managed to tell him I'm away for his birthday, worried about leaving Bobby and Steven, Bobby still needs so much attention and people going in 3 times a day just won't be enough.

I feel like crap today, I have all week, things are getting on top of me a bit, I'm tired, have a sore throat and wish I was at home in bed more than anything!

My New Baby!

2008-05-28T10:52:00.001+01:00

Well little Bobby has landed and don't we all know about it! He is black and white, has a black back, black splodge on his nose and chin and cow print legs. He wasn't fazed by moving house at all and ate and used the litter tray straight away. Also came and sat on us all night. Bit bothered as the introduction to Steven didn't go very well though, Steven only seemed a little put out, but went outside and kept coming back, so at least he hasn't decided to leave home, but Bobby kept hissing and arching his back. Apparently it can take 3 weeks to settle down, hope they make it! Mr M spent the night on the settee with Bobby asleep on his shoulder, hope Bobby doesn't come to expect that every night! He is such a softie and has sent me 3 picture texts this morning already! Bless.

It was lovely to have Mr M's support last night and for him to sort it all out for me. Things are good at the moment.

Fantastic Weekend, Fantastic Mr M

2008-05-19T16:22:00.001+01:00

Oh my god what a fantastic weekend!!! I was a bit worried about how we'd get on, as its never been just the two of us for so long before but it was great. We didn't stop laughing, talking, hugging, kissing ...... sorry this post is going to be really slushy!

We arrived about tea time on Friday, had a little sleep after the journey and then just ate in the pub where we were staying, we got a window table, so looked out over the harbour. It was so lovely, our stresses just disappeared immediately. Food was gorgeous, although I had an unfortunate incident when cutting my baguette, in that half of it flew off my plate and sprayed the people next to us with cheese. Oh how we laughed!! We got nicely pissed and had a really good chat. When the pub shut we went for a midnight stroll and sat on a deserted jetty, we talked for ages, it was all very romantic, he is such a softie! Had lots of nice kisses, but the moment got a little spoilt when a dog joined us on the bench and got a bit excited!

Saturday we just walked around the town, stopping every now and then for food and drinks, he bought me a gorgeous necklace with a jet pendant to remind me of our weekend, it was so sweet of him, he is not usually one for presents. Then inevitably we watched the football, afterwards he took me for chips on the seafront as a reward for sitting through the game and only spilling one drink! I bought him some toy soldiers on the way back, as he used to play with them when he was little, you know the tiny metal ones doing various war things. Once back in our room he explained the game and we had a little go, was very funny, although apparently my war noises don't cut the mustard. In the evening we went to a gorgeous curry house, and I got incredibly drunk on very little wine, was a really nice night, lots of talking and laughing.

Sunday we just had a little walk around, went out for brunch, then made our way back home.

I barely slept last night, missed having his arms around me so much, feel a bit flat and sad today, something needs to change, we either need to commit and go to the next stage together or not. I have never felt this way before about anyone, I truly believe he is my soul mate. Whatever we do together is always so good, we just get on so well. He is my best friend, but also the chemistry we have is just amazing.

Could Be

2008-05-15T10:49:00.001+01:00

I'm feeling pretty happy today, could be because its payday and I've got a nice fat bonus, which has to go on lots of mundane things like a new washing machine, but also paying for a few holidays and lots of lovely clothes! Could be because the sun is shining, could be because I like my newly dyed hair, could be because I actually bothered to fake tan last night and you can just about see it, could be because I've had a pretty good week at work and have the day off tomorrow, could be and most probably is because I am excited about going for my weekend away with Mr M.

Please god don't let Mr M cancel on me.....

Tagged

2008-05-09T16:12:00.001+01:00

Well not really, but thought I'd have a go!

1. I tripped up when I was 6 and knocked 4 of my front teeth out and split my lip, I had no visible teeth for years and was known as the toothless idot by some cruel children.
2. I hate having the front of my neck touched, it makes me jump even if I touch it myself. Just typing it now is giving me the creeps.
3. I have bent little fingers, as do my sisters and my father.
4. Everytime I let my cat out, I say 'be careful'.
5. I use a nasal hair trimmer, after my niece told me I have the hairiest nostrils she has seen on a girl.
6. If I am sharing a bed with someone I have to put ear plugs in.
7. I once played Gretal in Hansel and Gretal and thought I had a career on the stage ahead of me.

Rocking

2008-05-09T15:24:00.002+01:00

I had a fantastic weekend last weekend, caught up with friends and practically spent it all with Mr M. I went to a house party which I was dreading, but turned out to be really good fun, and I also went to a gig in a rock, bikers pub, to say I stood out like a sore thumb would be an understatement. To be fair I didn't know I would be going there, so was dressed inappropriately in skinnies, strappy sandals, floaty white top and a waist belt, I then got a call from Mr M to join him at this pub, as a fantastic band was on, didn't have time to go and get changed so just went like that. Every other single person, male and female were wearing black and ripped denim of some sort, there was lots of head banging and men dancing (do you call it dancing?) with their tops off, I tried head banging, once I got home I hasten to add, it hurts, made me feel very dizzy and very sick, how can they stand there doing it for long periods of time? I politely tapped my foot, concentrating hard to keep in time, I have always struggled with the basics such as clapping and tapping in time to music and tried to get to grips with drinking lager out of a pint glass, it felt like I needed two hands to hold it, can you believe they had no half glasses or a dash of lime. I felt a bit conspicious but really enjoyed the band so just went with it. On the way home Mr M said that I stood out a mile from anyone else in there in a good way and that he was so proud I was with him. awwww.

We spent lots of quality time together and then he also came round last night, I was actually going out to a work dinner, but he stayed in and waited up for me, it was so lovely to come home to someone and share my evening with him, rather than just get in and go to bed. Loved it. He also officially met my mum last night, she called round when I was out unexpectedly, lol! They liked each other though, so thats the main thing.

We go away next weekend together to the seaside, I can't wait, although as usual have the little concern that he might cancel at the last minute, I also keep not sleeping at night, worrying about what clothes to take, so stupid I know, I just want to look nice for him. I think this weekend's going to be rubbish, have no plans at the moment, panicking slighly now, sure something will turn up, 9 times out of 10 it does.

Better

2008-04-28T11:32:00.002+01:00

Things are better than they were on Friday. I had 11 hours sleep on Friday night, which helped me to wake up more positive on Sat. I had a good night out with the girls, then came home to find Mr M asleep in my bed, it was a wonderful surprise. Slightly annoying that he wouldn't wake up, as I wanted to chat and have a cuddle. I prodded him a few times to no avail, so made do with kissing him a bit whilst he was asleep, then worried that it was a bit like necrophilia, so turned over and went to sleep. Spent a lovely day with him, then we went our seperate ways. It has done me the world of good. I think I get all down when I don't see him due to insecurities, I feel that he doesn't want to see me, is going off me etc. all fairly irrational.

Steven seemed to be struggling a bit with his blindness yesterday and was bumping in to things more than usual, forgetting where doors were etc. He was also more clingy and wanted lots of cuddles, which was lovely for me. He seems a bit more confident today. It does make me very sad though.

I was so tired when I went to bed last night, so why did it take me 3 hours to get to sleep?

This week I am shopping tonight, Mr M tomorrow night (fingers crossed), shopping wed night, Salsa Thurs night, shopping fri night, party Sat night....

Happy?

2008-04-25T10:54:00.000+01:00

Does true happiness really exist? I don't think so, everyone gets bubbles of small times of true happiness, but they never last, something always bursts it. Its one long constant struggle to be rewarded with your next bubble. Whats the point in desperately trying to get your reward, it won't last. Maybe that's what the game of life is and all the fun is in trying to catch your next bubble, it hurts when it bursts though, surely at some point you just give up trying to catch one, knowing they don't last. I don't want to give up, but I'm running out of hope and energy, I don't see the point any more. If I wasn't around, it would make no difference to anyone's life.

I've been on the verge of tears for weeks, scared to let the floodgates open in case I never stop. They opened last night and did eventually stop, it was like I was watching someone else lay on the bed, sobbing and crying their heart out, if I hadn't known it was only me, I would have been very concerned. This morning my eyes are red and puffy and my head hurts. I had 5 hours sleep, like most nights for the last few weeks. I'm so tired but my brain goes in to overdrive at night when I'm lay there on my own. When I do sleep its fitful and I have nightmares, scary, frightening dreams. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I will be okay.

I saw Mr M once last week and not at all this week, and I don't think I will until next weekend, I know most of the above stems from this. I can't handle not seeing him, I know he is busy, but I can't help thinking if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time, if that's the case, what does that say about us? I mustn't be enough for him, he doesn't want me. Its not all about that though, I am just sick of everything. I try so hard to keep busy so I don't get down and lonely, this week I've had cancellation after cancellation from my friends. Its not their fault, things come up, it hurts though and gets me down. To be honest I didn't really feel like doing anything, but I knew I needed to otherwise I'm a mess, so I kept on trying and making plans.

The way I work my week is to try and do something most evenings, the worst thing in the world for me is sitting in at home alone, I can handle it 1 or 2 evenings a week, any more than that I get really down, start climbing the walls and get incredibly lonely. I need company, I need to chat to people, I can't handle leaving work and not seeing another person until I go back to work the next day. If I haven't got any plans for the evening, I work late, then window shop in a shopping centre, then I don't get home until 8ish, so the evening is fairly short and doable. This week because I had plans, I rushed home from work, then got last minute cancellations, it was too late to arrange something else, so it meant a huge expanse of time sat alone, night after night. I've tried explaining this to my friends in the past, and I know they don't do it on purpose but they have no idea what a devastating effect it has on me.

I can't do this anymore and don't want to year after year.

God what a self obsessed, moaning cow!

Goods and Bads

2008-04-21T12:18:00.002+01:00

Wearing: Wrap dress
Feeling: Okay

:-) Met up with my sister for a shopping trip on Sat, was lovely to spend some time with her
:-) Had a fab time on Sat night, I went out with a friend and we met up with Mr M and his friends, saw a really good band and just had a great night really, except when we fell off a chair and ended up sprawled on the pub floor, with a very big audience. I found it funny, Mr M not so. Still don't know how it happened, we were quite drunk, but still! I happily took the blame, as Mr M struggled with his pride a little. I know really it wasn't my fault though.
;-) Had a very relaxing day in bed on Sunday, we didn't get up until 4pm!
:-) Things with Mr M are pretty good right now
:-) Lots of really good things to look forward to over the next 4 months, weekends away, holiday, nights out, the races...
:-) I watched my wedding video for the first time since everything happened, god I looked good!

:-( Only bought a toothbrush on the shopping trip
:-( Been paid, but also had a £200 car bill and need a new mobile as mine is working properly, also have to pay for lots of extra things this month
:-( Only really seeing Mr M once a week at the moment, which I'm not happy about, trying not to stress as it usually works itself out in the end
:-( Felt really sad watching the wedding video, not about him, infact he was hardly on it! More for the fact that I looked so naive and innocent, there I was in front of everyone I knew, taking a leap of faith, only for it come crashing down just two years later. Its very sad.

Nearly There

2008-04-14T15:26:00.001+01:00

I had a really good weekend this week, which was much needed after a dire one last week. In fact last week in general wasn't too bad really, except for work stress. Saw Mr M Wed night, we went out for a drink on Thursday night, just the two of us which was a really nice change, Sat went out with the girls, but due to severe lack of funds I drove, then picked Mr M up on the way home, then we spent most of Sunday together. Was all good in the bittersweet way that it is.

I get paid tomorrow woo hoo, god this has been a long month and I'm so very pleased that I'm nearly there! I'm proud of myself that I've managed with the vet bills, especially as I've also booked a holiday to Malta with my friend and a weekend away to Krakow with the girls. Not told Mr M about either of these little trips yet, you know how he gets about me going away! Although work is stressing me out beyond belief, good news is that they are giving me double what they promised after my probation period and a good bonus, which is fab and makes the stress a little more worthwhile. It will all be swallowed up quickly on holidays and some work I need doing on my car, but I am extremely pleased with myself. Also booked a weekend away with Mr M, just a couple of hours away to the coast, but I can't wait. Kind of need lots to look forward to at the moment, seem to be struggling a bit with the day to day stuff.

Lifts

2008-04-08T11:20:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Shit
Wearing: Grey mini dress, knee high boots

Until I came here I'd never worked anywhere with a lift before, I'd heard of the social problems re lifts at work but never experienced it. It is strange, very awkward and uncomfortable. I hate making small talk, but feel like I should, just to avoid the painful silence. It doesn't help that our lift is so slow, so not only do you have the journey which lasts about 4 minutes, but also the hanging around outside the lift waiting for it to come, making the same jokes every day about the reason for being late for work. I set myself a challenge every day not to mention the weather, but I can't help it, it just comes out. I then mentally hit myself over the head for trying to engage in such an inane conversation.

I've always wondered how I'd cope if I got stuck in a lift, yesterday I found out. I was completely calm, but then I find I usually am in a crisis, its the small stuff that stresses me out generally. Yesterday was rather unfortunate as not only did the lift get stuck for 20 minutes, which felt like 20 hours but also that I had 10 VIP's with me, plus my boss and another colleague. Imagine 13 people in a lift, its uncomfortable anyway, but you think its only for a few minutes, it doesn't matter that my face is practically touching that man's back and someone else's hand is resting rather too close to my bum, it will be okay... 20 minutes later it was no longer okay, it was very hot, a bit smelly and I was dying to scratch my nose, but couldn't reach my face, we even had to take each others coats off. Forget about having personal space, or even personal air, we were literally breathing out, as another sucked that breath back in eurgh.

The longer it went on, the more stressed my boss became, ringing people telling them they were ridiculous for not recuing us quicker, desperately trying to find someone to blame. The VIP's were trying to remain jovial asking if this was a ploy to make them sign a contract, but getting more and more red faced by the minute, I wasn't sure whether it was from heat or high blood pressure. I unfortunately kept getting the giggles, as I do in inappropriate situations, I think I may have spit a little on a VIP's face when inadvertably a laugh fell out! The other colleague even more unfortunately, starting crying and telling us about how it reminded her of her childhood when her mother locked her in a cupboard (what with 12 other people?????), everyone seemed a little horrified at this revelation and not sure what to say, so quickly changed to subject to the fact that at least we were out of the cold..... Obviously it must have been awful and very traumatic for her, am I a bad person for thinking this situation was turning in to something from a comedy sketch?

Hmmmm

2008-04-02T14:46:00.002+01:00

Feeling: Shit
Wearing: Teal pattern wrap dress

Steven is officially classed as a disabled cat now, his optic nerves have died probably from a hereditary condition, so he will never see again. We're adapting and now I'm doing things slightly different, like talking out loud as I walk round the house etc. he seems happier and a bit calmer. I also quite like the fact that I now have a reason to talk out loud. The specialist said to get a kitten, as if they bond well, it could really help him out and stimulate him. I've found a few shelters but they all close at 5pm, so having to be patient and wait for the weekend. Ideally I want a male tabby, but will see what they have. Feel awful just going for kittens, but the vet said an older one might bully Steven. Think I'm going to call it Tony.

Things with Mr M aren't good, he has fallen off the radar again, have had the odd text but not spoken to him since last Friday or seen him since last Tuesday. I'm very upset and thinking allsorts as you can imagine.

I am surviving on 4 hours sleep a night at the moment, I feel and look like shit. Things aren't good.

Not There Yet

2008-03-31T12:59:00.002+01:00

You're not there yet, maybe you will never be
That's the fear, that you will never be
Biding your time waiting to get there
But you're not even sure where

They can't see it that you're struggling through
You say you're okay and they just believe its true
They don't look closely and see the pain in your eyes
But really you're beaten by the untold lies

You seem okay and have a hard edge
No one can see you're nearly over the ledge
You get on with it and try to keep on track
Despite the big knife sticking in your back

You thought your life would fly by with ease
Something doesn't fit, like the wrong keys
It should be simple and you shouldn't need to try
You're scared that soon your life could pass you by

You know you have to carry on the fight
Trying to find that far off light
Staying positive and trying to be strong
Making sure you do no more wrong

You're not there yet, maybe you will never be
That's the fear, that you will never be
Biding your time waiting to get there
But you're not even sure where

Shallow?

2008-03-13T15:33:00.001Z

Wearing: The most uncomfortable outfit in the world
Feeling: Uncomfortable

Why do I do it?

I am wearing a skin tight pencil skirt, that I can barely walk in, I am having to go upstairs sideways in the manner of a crab. I have a skin tight jacket on, which is restricting my movement, I can't bend very well or raise my arms. I am wearing tights that are too small, which means the crotch is halfway down my thighs, now with the added bonus of a huge hole over my arse from being over enthusiastic when pulling them up. My super cleavage inducing bra is digging in my sides and the middle of my chest and no doubt leaving a deep imprint which will last for days. My sexy thong is being eaten greedily by my hungry bum. I have very high heeled shoes on, giving a sexy curve to my calf and an unsexy Whoopi Goldberg style of walking and they are killing me even when sat down. My chunky funky ring is turning my finger green. My hair looks sophisticated but still kind of cool, but the clip is trying desperately to penetrate my scalp. I have a chic scarf tied round my neck, it is itching and feels like it is discreetly trying to choke me.

So why do I do it? Because I know it looks good, I've had lots of compliments today which makes it all worth while.....I think.....shallow....moi?

Quick Update

2008-03-12T11:29:00.001Z

Feeling: Good
Wearing: Black pencil skirt, red ruched shirt

So far we have had 8 results back and they have all come back clear, just waiting for one more, but the vet seems to think that will be clear too, which means he just has a primary eye problem - phew. Still means he's gone blind but not due to illness.

Mr M has been a star through all this, ringing all the time to see if I'd heard anything, offering to help pay for the tests etc. its really nice to have had him there for support, he sent me a text to say don't worry we will get him sorted. The WE in the sentence really meant a lot to me. WE is so much better than YOU or I. Its so nice to be part of a WE. Things are going pretty well at the moment, we seemed to have got in to a pattern of seeing each other twice a week, I'd like more but thats all we can manage at the moment, kind of makes me more excited about seeing him though. And the patterns never stay the same for long. We went out on Sat night, just the two of us which is quite rare, it felt a bit strange at first but we had a fab time, I just love being with him and he says the nicest things. Also continuing with my Stepford Wife bit, getting really into cooking and have started on desserts now too. This week's dessert is going to be homemade apple crumble pie - although I will cheat slightly and buy the pastry base ready done - I think it can still be classed as homemade though!

My girls weekend away to Madrid was excellent, although I have never drank so much in my life, infact we decided it was more like a stag weekend than a girls weekend away. I'm ashamed to say we were rarely without a drink in our hand, ate lots of rubbish food, danced lots and played drinking games. We weren't getting in until 6am!! We did try and do a bit of culture by doing the city bus tour, but it was cold so we sat downstairs and could hardly see anything. Think I'm getting too old for weekends like that now, it took me a week to get over it and nearly two weeks to stomach a drink again.

Work is going well, my 6 month probation is up at the end of this month. I do get asked to do some very strange things in this job, but I guess the role of a PA is just to do whatever you're asked, whatever that may be. I had to clear out a car yesterday and had to walk around a very public area carrying crutches, a full length leg brace, x-rays, tic-tacs and shoe polish - it was a struggle and I must have looked a right sight, especially as I couldn't stop laughing to myself.

Still kind of missing working at the bar, its a real struggle to come up with something to do every Sat night and I don't want to rely on Mr M too much. I'm doing okay though, not had a Sat night in yet, although there's been a few near misses, and I get a bit panicky if I haven't got plans by Fri.

I got another white feather the other day.

Cat Steven

2008-03-05T14:09:00.002Z

Feeling : Worried

Wearing: Purple silk pussybow blouse and grey high waisted pencil skirt

My boy has gone blind. I knew he'd been struggling for a while and bumping into things etc. but I just hoped he'd got clumsy. I'd been putting off going to the vets for ages in case it was bad news, but finally took him last night. The news isn't great, they don't usually go blind for no reason, so he is going in for tests tomorrow to rule out liver failure.

I am gutted that he is blind, it must be so scary for him, I am scared stiff that he might have something seriously wrong with him. I love my boy so much. He has what has kept me going all this time and gives me a reason to go home at night. Please god let him be okay, I can't lose him.

Cake Cheat

2008-02-20T11:49:00.003Z

Feeling: Happy

Wearing: Brown pinstripe trousers, baggy pleated beige poloneck, brown jacket with huge standup collar

Life is going okay at the moment, I know I shouldn't say that, will mean inevitably that something is just around the corner! Okay time to be optimistic, why shouldn't they stay fine or even infact get better!

Out of the last 14 nights, Mr M has spent 10 of them with me. It is great, we don't argue, bicker, all we do is laugh, talk and have a fab time. The 4 nights he didn't spend with me I missed him like mad and barely slept. The old old issues are obviously still there and never going to go away, I wish they would, we are so good together but long term I know it can't work out.

Had a few great nights out over the last few weeks with friends and with Mr M, not sure why I felt the need to show him my Highland Fling on Saturday night, whilst out in public, but I did, I've promised not to do it again! I'm going to Madrid this weekend with 5 girls, really looking forward to it and looking forward to a few days off work, its going okay but it is so pressured. Actually my main stress at the moment is deciding what to pack, stupid I know but its really winding me up and the baggage allowance is pitiful, I know for £12.50 return you can't expect much, but a girl needs choice whilst she's away. How do they fly you there and back for £12.50, I can't even get a taxi home for that from town?

I am now an official domestic goddess, I have no idea why I have turned in to this Stepford Housewife, but by god I love it! When Mr M stays, I get up half an hour before I need to just so I can make his breakfast and wave him off. I have made proper home cooked meals every night, ironed his shirts, and last night I was surprised to hear myself saying how much I like sewing (wtf I take it to my mum usually) and was then presented with his holely, torn work trousers and I found myself sewing seams, mending and doing buttons like a pro! I then pretended I was making a chocolate cake from scratch and had the box hidden in the cupboard with the instructions on, he had crept up behind me and had been watching me for ages, and asked why I kept putting my head in the cupboard. He knows me far too well and knew exactly what I was up to! Oh how we laughed! I just love doing it all and he really appreciates it too, which makes it so nice to do. I've said it before and I'll say it again no doubt, if my ex could see me now, he would never believe it. Feel a bit guilty that I wasn't like this with him, suppose it was because it was wrong, which meant I just didn't want to.

Finally dyed my hair the other night, its very subtle but quite a few people have noticed. I'm liking it going to go redder and a bit more daring next time.

Angels

2008-02-04T10:59:00.000Z

Feeling: Okay

Wearing: Black trousers, red ruffle shirt, red belt

Something strange happened to me this weekend. Before I explain I’d just like to say I’m not some new-age hippy type, I am down-to-earth, quite cynical about things and generally need to see to believe. I went to Sunday school as a child, still kind of believe in it all, but it’s not really part of my everyday life. I do believe that heaven and hell exists, but I’m not sure in what form. I just don’t think this can be all there is out there. I am quite jealous of people who have a strong faith, it must be quite nice to rely on it and have it as a prop in life. I believe loosely in astrology, clairvoyants, palm readers, it has been used for too long for it to all be a load of rubbish, of course there are millions of con-artists but I really believe some do have the gift, its just a case of being lucky enough to find a genuine one. I had my palm read on my hen do, he intimated my current relationship wouldn’t last, I remember crying to my friend afterwards, we decided it was rubbish; afterall I was just about to get married!

Anyway, a few months ago a met a lovely girl through a friend of mine, we really hit it off. She sensed that I wasn’t happy and knew a bit of my background, she started to tell me about angels. She believes everyone has an angel to look over them and help out, in times of trouble she said to talk to them. I was extremely cynical and didn’t really think too much of it.

Just before Christmas I was feeling really down and I remembered what she’d said. That night as I lay in bed I spoke to my Grandma who died 15 years ago, I just told her how unhappy I was and that I needed help. I really didn’t expect anything to happen, it was just kinda nice to speak out loud about what was in my head. The next day my sister called me in tears, she said that she had a really vivid dream last night and Grandma was sat on the end of her bed and asked her to tell me that everything was going to be alright. It got me really emotional. I’m still a bit cynical about this; it could have just been a coincidence that my sister dreamt that. It’s strange though, as no one really knows that I’m not very happy, I put a fairly good front on and we hardly ever speak about Grandma either.

So, this weekend I saw this girl again and told her what had happened, she told me to ask for a white feather as a sign, apparently white feathers are signs that your angel is nearby. As I was driving home, I said, ‘okay grandma if you’re really there show me a white feather’. I felt so stupid doing it, and never imagined I’d get one and it went straight out of my mind. Yesterday morning, I was brushing my teeth and something kept catching my eye, I thought it was a fly, I put my hand out and a tiny white feather landed in it. Okay it could be co-incidence my rational mind is trying to find another reason for this happening. All I know is that I felt a kind of peace yesterday, if she says everything’s going to be okay, then it will be eventually, won’t it?

God, just read that back I sound like a complete weirdo, believe me I’m not like that, but all I can say is what happened, maybe it is all coincidences, I guess it doesn’t matter if it is, if it makes me feel better……

To Dye or Not to Dye

2008-01-23T09:57:00.000Z

Feeling: Tearful and thoroughly fed up
Wearing: teal wrap dress

I have never ever dyed my hair, its an unusual colour which tends to get a few compliments, so I've never touched it. Its a kind of dark blonde, light brown, reddy colour. I fancy a change, I've been stood looking at hair dyes for hours over the last few weeks and finally bought one yesterday. Its called butterscotch, kind of reddy blonde auburn??? I'm scared it will turn out orange and too ginger. I want the glossiness that other people seem to get with dyed hair, I'm just too scared to do it. I'll leave it sat in my bathroom for a while and see if I get the courage.

Its my first weekend of not working at the bar this weekend, I have a fab saturday and saturday night planned with friends, really looking forward to it. Really going to miss Mr M though. Already it seems that I won't get to see him this week at all. Maybe thats a good thing, but it doesn't feel like it.

He has taken to ringing me first thing every morning, its nice, this morning I had to muffle my cries from him, I don't even know why I was crying.

My heating is still broke, I slept under so many blankets last night, I was unable to move freely.

I don't think I'm depressed, I'm just fed up, scared of change and whats going to happen I guess. I'll be okay, I'll get there. I know from my blog I sound like I'm always down and a right nightmare, but on the outside I'm actually quite a cheerful postive person - I've got good at hiding things.

Happy New Year

2008-01-21T11:47:00.000Z

Feeling: Mixed up
Wearing: New black and grey wrap dress, looks fab (I think)

Sorry I've been rubbish lately, so mixed up in my head, I just didn't know how to put it down! All in all I had a really good Christmas, really busy, lots of laughs, drunkeness and general fun really. Work is still going well, really settled in now.

I’m not very happy at the moment, which is why I haven’t written for ages. Things with Mr M ended on Christmas Eve, I did it as I know it can never be, things started again with Mr M on Boxing Day, I know I shouldn't be with him, the whole situation is just too sad for words. I really love him and can’t imagine ever having this connection with someone else ever again, he is like a drug and I’m addicted to him. He came out with me on a work thing last week and everyone said they have never seen a couple so in love and that we are obviously made for each other (but I know we can't be). He has been Mr Perfect since which isn’t helping me distance myself from him. I worked my last shift at the bar on Sat night, this has really upset me, I know I need to leave to move on, but I’m scared, its been my safety net for the last 2 ½ years. What if all the plans disappear and I end up sat in on my own every Saturday night? Really going to miss it.

A man at work is interested, but seems to be playing games, its just messing with my head a bit no big deal.

I seem to cry a lot at the moment. Last night I cried because my heating has stopped working and I know its something really minor but I can’t do it. I don’t want to live on my own and have to sort this out. I then tried to put my fire on but couldn’t do that either, you need to have the knack and I don’t have it. I watched TV in my coat.

Seasons Greetings

2007-12-19T12:19:00.000Z

Feeling - okay but full of a cold, still better this week than next!
Wearing - Brown pinstripe trousers, slouchy cream poloneck

Next week I will have been with Mr M a whole year! What a year, I don't think we should still be together, but we are, sometimes its crap, sometimes its fantastic. Things are still pretty tough, altho there are slight improvements, he has gone back to work which has helped lots, he has taken to saying I love you and sweet things again and has been in touch and seen me lots. I'm feeling very confused and mixed up, I know I need to end this, it is destructive and never really going to go anywhere, but I love him and you don't always do what's best for you do you!

Had a busy few weeks going out, catching up with friends, and generally getting ready for Christmas. Works still really busy, but I'm feeling quite settled here now. We've all just been given a £100 bonus, which is a fab little treat and will go nicely in my sales shopping fund! I've had my lounge and kitchen decorated and love it, kitchen is now a kind of dusky pink, with silver worktops, slate grey tiled floor, white tiles, lounge is latte walls, chocolate brown rug, cream sofas with chocolate brown throws and cerise pink candles, cushions, pictures etc. Its fab, girly but tasteful, Mr M had to eat his hat and concede that I was right! I've been meaning to do it since The Ex went, but never got round to it, it feels so good to have done it! Also having a flat screen TV fitted in my bedroom this week, which I can't wait for, no more sitting downstairs freezing, when I could be curled up in bed with my cat.

Really looking forward to Christmas now, I am soooo busy and none of it revolves around Mr M, which I'm quite proud of, my friend who I went to Greece with is coming up for 4 days, so lots of company and fun to be had.

Its my Birthday on Friday, so gutted to be turning 28, I know it sounds silly but finding it really hard to come to terms with, to be honest its the whole being on my own thing at this age that I'm finding hard. Very interested to see if Mr M gets me anything and if so, what. To be honest after all the crap I've put up with lately I deserve something!

There are going to be some long reflecting posts soon and also what I want for the New Year. Think I need to have a change of attitude, gone a bit backwards to the always wishing for something else and not getting on with it enough, feeling a bit sorry for myself too.

Better

2007-12-05T16:22:00.000Z

Feeling: Okay actually
Wearing: Navy trousers, bright blue swing jacket (actually from Tammy Girl lol)

What a few weeks! Usual roller coaster of ups and downs. I think probably on a whole things are a little better though, last 2 weekends have been relatively good, so thats progress!

Mr M is not doing too good at all, all the stress from various things is making him quite poorly, I haven't been treated wonderfully, but I'm trying to be patient and ride it out, every now and then I get a glimpse of the old Mr M and it reminds me why I'm still here and that he is ill and can't always help how he is behaving. There has been lots of good points over the last few weeks too, I'm still seeing more of him than ever, he stayed at mine for 4 days last week, was nice and gave me a taste of what it would be like living with him, I loved the company and spending the evenings with him, he makes me laugh, makes me feel loved and cared for, he's so lovely to cuddle up to. He's also upset me, he's been grumpy, selfish, lazy and not very appreciative. He has insomnia at the moment, which is making things difficult for both of us i.e. we both got 2 hours sleep the other night, that was hard to cope with and not get stroppy. He said to go to bed and leave him downstairs, but I couldn't, it reminds me of The Ex, he always used to send me up to bed, then would be texting her and avoiding me, the memory hurts...alot. Mr M said he's not my Ex, I know that and managed to leave him last night, didn't like it but I did.

I don't know what's going to happen, I did end things last week, but then he came round and made loads of effort and I crumbled again. He is generally making more effort the last week or so, calling, texting, seeing me more than usual. He's not saying as many sweet things since everything happened and has only said I love you once since then, trying not to read too much in to it, suppose if you're feeling desperate and depressed you don't really feel like saying those kinds of things. He has said he wouldn't have got through the last month or so without me. We just need to go out a bit more and have more fun, things haven't been much fun lately, just very heavy and depressing.

He was so sweet last night, he was at mine when I got home from work and had done loads of little jobs for me as a surprise, had the fire going and coffee freshly brewed, it really meant a lot to me and was so nice to come home to. I then tried two dresses on to get his opinion and lets just say they 'raised' a very good response, so definitely keeping both now! So nice to get such a huge response! He then spent an hour on the phone and then fell asleep the rest of the evening, I actually only had his attention for 1 hour - not good. He's sweet when he's asleep in my arms though, making cute little noises and holding on to me for dear life, I like that.

Work is going well, still very busy, but I'm keeping my head above water, really enjoying it and getting on well with the people too. Its really stretching me and I feel like I'm actually earning my money. Christmas do is on 21st (my birthday), I guess that's when you really get to know people. Least now I have a fab dress to wear - just need to decide which one now. Hope I don't embarrass myself with my attempts at dancing, I'm not what you'd call a natural. I am tone deaf, have no rhythm and can't even clap in time, despite Mr M trying to teach how to!

Actually really looking forward to Christmas now, I don't think I'll be seeing that much of Mr M, it will be 1 year on 27th Dec, never ever thought we would get to that, still not sure we will really. I've got a friend coming to stay for 4 days, which will be fab and great company. Looking forward to lots of shopping, girlie chats, drinking and parties.

I found out the other week that The Ex now has a child!!! All I know is that he doesn't see him, owes lots for maintence payments and it isn't with the girl he now lives with. Wondering if the girl that he had the affair with, was telling the truth when she text me to tell me she was pregnant, I ignored it at the time thinking she was just playing games....but maybe not. I thought I was okay with the news, but unfortunately it all came out in my dreams, had bizarre dreams about him and babies, its a shame when your mind lets you down like that. Pretty much okay about it now though....I think.

xx

Bad

2007-11-18T18:23:00.001Z

Feeling: Upset
Wearing: Skinnies, brown long sleeved fitted tshirt, teal short sleeved top over the top

Things are still shit, still seeing more of him than ever, but its just wrong. He has been signed off work and is in a deep depression, I am still finding excuses for his behaviour and still clinging on to him for dear life, when I know I should just let him go. Is it depression or just feeling sorry for himself - that was an interesting question raised by my friend. Today's stars for me say this:

Sagittarius: It's time to cut someone out of your life. It will be sad and painful, but they are doing you no good and you can't let them continue to hurt you..

Bloody hell, I don't usually believe them, but it seems quite appropriate timing! I'm still trying to be there for him, while he's so upset, but its hurting me, he's hurting me, I'm not being treated as I deserve to be. I love him so much though, which is why its so hard to walk away. Even though I know its for the best and he could never give me what I need, I'm finding it so hard to do. Also, and I know its stupid, but I can't bear the thought of being on my own again, it was so lonely before, yes I have friends and family, but its not the same. All I can see in front of me, is long lonely nights on my own. No one caring how my days gone, if I got home safely etc. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through all that again. I also love sharing my life with him, when things are good, they are fantastic and thats down to him.

This is the third weekend in a row that has been shit now and I've been in tears either as a direct result of something he has done or something he hasn't done. You would not believe what has gone on in the last few weeks, this is not the kind of thing I'm used to, its not my kind of life.

Blue Days are Back

2007-11-11T18:40:00.000Z

Feeling: Sad
Wearing: Jeans and jumper - its cold

Things had been going so well with Mr M I should have known something would be just round the corner to spoil everything. Seen more of him this week than ever, but its all wrong, feeling a bit used I guess. He is having massive problems at the moment, guess thats what happens when you get involved with someone who has lots of baggage and I mean lots! Seeing a side to him I'm not keen on, his intentions have been good, but they've come round and bit him on the bum, lies never solve anything. I've been there for him all week, holding him whilst he's cried all night etc. I'm exhausted and hurting too though, but he can't seem to see what this is doing to me. I'm hurt, sad, lonely and confused.

Work is going okay, bit less stressful now.

Why is life such a big pile of shit, when will it be my turn to just be happy? I'm not a bad person.

I'm just going to wallow in self pity for a few days, then drag myself out of it again, I know its self indulgent and won't solve anything, but I'm too tired to pretend everythings okay.

xx

I love Mr M with all my heart!

2007-10-28T18:40:00.000Z

Feeling - soppy, tired, happy
Wearing - boyfit jeans and a vest top (dressed for comfort today)

Sorry sorry sorry for no post last weekend, it was a busy busy one and I only popped round to my parents for a brew, so couldn't really spend the time on the net! The lovely Mr M has set my laptop up though, so will sort the net out at home soon. Missing blogging lots and also bagging, I'm going to be getting so behind on fashion!

I won't bore you with a full roundup of the last few weeks, work is still stupid busy, I'm loving the actual job and getting used to the people but I have never been so busy in my life, I am literally running around like a crazed woman. Even though I'm taking full advantage of the cheap staff canteen, I've still lost half a stone since I started and believe me I can't afford to lose anymore, struggling to get clothes to fit as it is! I'm working long hours, so have had to knock on the head working at the bar on a wed, hoping I don't miss the routine and money too much. Pretty much tired all the time at the moment, even though I'm dog tired my stupid brain refuses to let me sleep and insists on racing at 100mph the moment my head hits the pillow, I wouldn't mind if it was thinking about something worthy, but its usually something stupid like where does Steven my cat go, when he goes out for a walk.

Mr M is still being model boyfriend, he rearranged everything the other night, so he could see me, as he could tell I needed some TLC. We're going to my friends birthday party in a few weeks, I can't wait, even more so, as he has cancelled a gig, so he can come - SHOCK HORROR, of course I didn't ask him to and it was all his idea, which makes it even more special. We had a great weekend last week, we went out on sunday night and I had a real defining moment with him. He drank too much and was throwing up and instead of bolting with my fingers in my ears, like I've done with everyone else who has ever dared throw up in my presence, I stayed and rubbed his back! I was secretly heaving behind his back, but I just couldn't leave him. To me thats a pretty big deal! I was working at the bar last night and as I hadn't seen him since Monday night, I made an extra special effort, new f*ck me boots, new backless top, new jewellery and even a new belt, I looked the dogs b*llocks and knew I had got it right when he looked at me opened mouthed when I walked in. He paid me tons of compliments all night and was so sweet. On the way home he made me stop the car, as he couldn't wait to give me a proper kiss. We then sat in the garden with candles (and drizzle) talking for ages. Love it when he's in a soppy mood, which is quite often lately. Another big defining moment I guess is that he now has a key to my house!

Everything else is going good too, seeing lots of my friends at the moment, which is lovely, skin is tons better after the miracle doctor treatment, doing really well with my money at the money, buying lots of nice clothes and looking forward to lots of nights out over the next few months and of course, my birthday and Christmas!

Pretty Good Week

2007-10-14T18:53:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Pretty much okay
Wearing: Skinnies in brown knee high boots, brown tight poloneck with puff sleeves

I actually ended up seeing Mr M last sunday evening, which was a nice unplanned surprise, trouble is I'm expecting that to happen again tonight and it probably won't now, which will leave me disappointed! I've had a good week, work has been manic, but I'm really enjoying it, I have a few points during each day, where I think I can't cope with it, but usually by the end of the day, I'm back on top of things. I went out for tea with a few friends on Tuesday night, was really great to see them, Wed I worked at the bar and Mr M came in to surprise me, then Thurs night I went to band practise, he was really sweet, I kept wanting to leave as it was getting late and he kept saying just stay for one more.... an hour later I finally managed to get out of the door. He then rang me on his way home and said how much he loved having me there and that he can't perform properly when I'm not awwww. Friday night I went out for a friends birthday, was a really good night, but I got far tooooo hammered, a cute guy was trying it on and I must admit I did think about it for a second or two but when it came down to it, I just couldn't. Spent yesterday in bed recovering and then worked last night, Mr M came in and stayed over. Still not liking this once a week thing!!! Ha ha just realised how stupid that sounds, when in actual fact I've seen him four times this week! Its just that I'm missing the me and him time on our own.

Not got much on this week, so it doesn't promise to be very exciting, maybe thats what makes it exciting though, something usually turns up.

Hate having to rush blogging, but my parents seem to think I only visit them on a Sunday to have a home cooked meal and use the net.........

Busy days, quiet nights

2007-10-07T18:14:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Brown, orange and cream circle dress (nice honest), brown tights and brown knee high boots

God where is the time going, can't believe its been a week since I was last sat here blogging!

Turn up for the books last Sunday after moaning that I wouldn't see Mr M for a week, he actually turned up at midnight that evening and stayed over, was a nice surprise. Works been better this week, feel a bit more like I know what I'm doing now, still very stressful and busy though. Don't know how I'm going to cope with it all, the workload is ridiculous. It was a bit like working for James Bond this week, booking lots of helicopters and everything has code names, there was even a leak to the press, which was very exciting to deal with.

Had a bit of a boring week in the evenings, caught up with Friends on Monday night, Tuesday night I actually went to bed at 8pm! Wednesday was working at the bar, Thursday stayed in and the same on Friday, its done me good though. I worked last night and Mr M had a gig, but when I got home he was there, which was great, he was hiding under the table when I got in, silly sod! He had had a lot to drink, he's cute and funny when drunk though, not annoying. After a fairly reasonable conversation we went to bed, then he conked out, so I had to undress and get him into bed, god how heavy are legs! Had a nice morning together and that will probably be it now until next weekend. I can cope with it when there is a fixed next date arranged, its just when there is no end in sight I struggle. Still miss him lots and hope this pattern doesn't last for long.

It's all good

2007-09-30T17:48:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Skinny jeans, teal mini dress

I am missing blogging every day so much, I found it really helped me, really need to sort out the tinter at home, but need to wait for my money to straighten out a bit first. So at the moment I am resorting to using my mum and dad's pc once a week, so a quick recap of the past week....

I've had such a busy few weeks, I have literally not stopped or had a night in since before my holiday, something has got to give or I'll make myself ill! Having said that I've been having fun as well, so can't complain really, just knackered all the time.

I feel like I'm settling in a bit more at work now and finding my feet. Really think its all going to be okay, just wish I could fast forward a few months, hate being the new girl and learning who everyone is etc. Have done a couple of pieces of work that have gone really well, so hopefully they think I'm okay. The days are just flying by, which is great as they dragged so much before. I'm actually using my brain now. Liking playing dress up for work every day too, bought some gorgeous funky dresses.

Mr M is still being a good boyfriend, infact he is being better than ever in some ways at the moment, although that maybe partly due to me being more relaxed about things, I just don't have to time to 'sweat the small stuff' at the moment. I went to a gig on Friday night, it was a really good night, had a good laugh and got hammered (note to self - do not mix vodka, lager and southern comfort, its not big and its not clever), I hadn't seen him since the Sunday before, so was good to be with him again. We spent all Saturday together lazing around which was really nice, then went our separate ways, he had another gig and I went to a wedding reception. Don't think I'll see him again now until next weekend. Its pissing me off a bit really, he is so busy with band and other stuff and I'm really busy too, so its just weekends at the moment, he still calls and texts lots every day, but its not the same, I can't get enough of him! I love him so much, I have never felt this way about anyone before, thats why it makes me sad when we're not together. Really don't know what I'd have done without him over the last month or so. God knows what is going to happen with this relationship, or if we have a future... I just know that I love him and can't be without him, but I don't know if I could be with him full-time either. Will stop thinking about it and just go with the flow, I'm getting so much better at doing that! Quite proud of myself actually, I have come on soooo far since I first started seeing him.

At the moment I don't really know when I'll be seeing him next, I can't do next Sat, so it will either be Friday or not at all...hopefully my next post will be talking all about what a fab time we have spent together! Got lots on this week anyway, so its not like I'm sat around waiting, arranged lots of catch ups with friends, so should be a good week. Love this time of year until after Christmas, its loads of my friends birthdays, so lots of good things planned.

Fingers crossed this is another good week. xxxx

Hello Strangers

2007-09-25T19:06:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Tired and happy
Wearing: Black bubble sleeved shift dress, patterned tights

Helloooo, I'm missing blogging so much, I hope you'll all keep coming back to check every now and then. I can't do it at work anymore and at the moment don't have the internet at home, something else to add to my to do list!

What a busy few weeks, my holiday seems like a lifetime ago! Started my new job last week, its all going well and I think I'm going to like it. Hate being the new girl and not knowing what I'm doing yet though, sure it will all be okay in a few weeks. The job is really busy and stressful, having to work long hours, but I'm enjoying it. The people mostly seem nice, on the surface anyway, not sure I trust any of them yet though.

Mr M has been great, so supportive and calling me every lunchtime to find out how my morning was, seen lots of him too, which has been lovely! We spent the whole of last weekend together, which was just sooooo fantastic! The new job is definitely helping me with that area too, I've got no time to stress about stupid things now and think about him constantly.

So, all in all things are going well, just need to manage my time outside of work a bit better, feeling a bit run raggeded at the moment!

Home and Happy

2007-09-16T18:25:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Happy, tired and sore
Wearing: Wideleg jeans and orange top (to show off my tan) and new Gucci watch!

Its nice to be back and I've had a fantastic weekend with Mr M! The holiday was just what I needed and soooo relaxing, in the day we didn't stray further than the pool, we had a few 'livin it large' nights in a fantastic indie night club we found and didn't get home until 6am one night, very impressed with myself. We met a great group of lads - purely as friends, who were a really good laugh. Batteries are well and truly recharged, well they will be after I've caught up from missing Friday night's sleep - god I hate night flights! I've even managed to get a bit of colour, which is unusual for me, no doubt it will have faded by Wednesday!

Mr M came over on Saturday morning and we spent a lovely day together, then I went to see him at a gig last night. I'm so proud of him, he's so talented and gorgeous! I was a bit sad when he left this morning, was just so nice spending lots of time with him. Shortly after he left I managed to fall down the stairs, it has been a big irrational fear of mine since living on my own, that one day I might fall down them and not be found for days. Anyway I lived to tell the tale, although I have a massive scrape all down one arm and a very sore bruised back and arse. Was a bit shook up afterwards, but was more just feeling sorry for myself that there was no one there to ask how I was. May have to rethink what I wear on my first day tomorrow, don't want them to think I've been fighting or falling over drunk!!!

Greetings from Greece

2007-09-14T14:45:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Relaxed and happy
Wearing: Bikini and kaftan

Just a quick one to say hello, having a fab holiday and a bit sad to be going home tonight, but can't wait to see Mr M! He is supposed to be at mine for 8am in the morning, fingers crossed he comes. It was an awful week with him before I left, so hopefully things will go alright now. Heard lots from him whilst I've been away, which has been good and much needed.

Last day at work went okay, my boss took me shopping for a personal present from him and he bought me a Gucci watch that was 450 pound!!! Its the most expensive thing I think anyone's ever bought me! Made it even sadder to go though. I also got vouchers and jewellery from everyone else.

Holiday has been great, I think I have caught up on all my missed sleep over the last few months, its been really relaxing and we've had good fun too, I've even done a bit of pole dancing lol! Found a fantastic indie club, which we went to most nights and I was even propositioned last night, he went straight for the kill and just said shall we leave and have sex, I said erm no thanks, god I like to at least be bought a drink lol!

Will tell you more about it on my return, must go and buy a few tacky gifts now, anyone fancy a t towel with a map on it?????

Today's the Day

2007-09-07T11:23:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Tired, okay, troubled
Wearing: Teal blouse, Navy trousers

Would it be really naughty to throw all my papers away instead of filing them before I leave? Can’t be arsed to do it! I will though, couldn’t live with the guilty conscience! Have truly had enough and just want to leave here now, boss is being a right nasty pasty to me and I have a lovely phone call from Mr Creep to look forward to, dreading it. I’ve received lots of lovely cards and gifts off people, very touching and sweet, I said goodbye to a few people yesterday and actually cried, which shocked me, but then yesterday was an emotional day anyway.

I saw Mr M last night although the mountain had to go to Muhammad, originally the plan was for them to have a short band practise then for him to come over, but a last minute gig meant they had to have a full practise as they’re not ready for it, I was really upset that I wouldn’t get to see him after Wednesday’s argument, so I surprised him by turning up at practise, luckily it was a good surprise for him! At the break we had a good chat and sorted things out, he apologised for his behaviour, I was pretty strong and said it wasn’t acceptable, he was very sorry and loving, I was going to go home then, but he begged me to stay around for a bit, so I did. Later on he walked me back to the car and we had another chat. He’s supposed to be coming round after work and taking me to the airport tonight.

On the surface everything is okay now, but I’m finding it hard to forget how nasty he was to me, it was the drink, I know that, I have seen him turn before, but it’s not usually directed my way. He knows he can’t drink lager, but every now and then does and this is the result. I don’t want this hanging over me all holiday, but I guess I’m going to have lots of thinking to do.

My god do I need this holiday, I feel totally worn out emotionally and physically.

Not sure how often I’ll be blogging now, I suspect it won’t be every day anymore, as I’ll have to be a good girl in my new job and hopefully will be too busy! Thinking of getting the tinter at home though if I can find a cheap deal, but I will update it when I can from my parents or friends house, so please keep coming back.

Losing It

2007-09-06T13:05:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Distraught and tired after 3 hours sleep
Wearing: Black slim leg trousers, black waistcoast, cream puff sleeved blouse

Had a big argument with Mr M last night, it is huge and he put the phone down on me at about 1am, I have had a few texts since saying have a nice holiday etc. and thats it, he won't speak to me. I have been calling and texting all morning, even went and sat outside his work at lunchtime, but he didn't come out. Hoping this means he is just in meetings, I don't know what I'll do if this is the end. I'm supposed to be seeing him tonight to say goodbye before my holiday, but as it stands at the moment I won't be. I don't want to go away with this hanging over me. WHY WON'T HE SPEAK TO ME!!!! I am turning in to one crazy lady.

By the way I am in the right, he was out of order last night, but yet again it is turned on to me.

Nothing Much

2007-09-05T13:40:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Okay
Wearing: Brown wideleg trousers, brown, red and beige stripy wrap cardigan

My little niece is now at High School, hope she's getting on okay. Have had to run out at lunchtime to buy her a new coat, which she can have for tomorrow. I've already bought her one, but its more of a winter coat, we seem to have overlooked autumn!

Had a few nice chats with Mr M last night, bit gutted as he can't come over until about 10pm tomorrow night, really hoped he could come straight after work so we could spend some time together before I go away. I know he tried to rearrange things and couldn't, so I can't ask for more than that really. The main thing is that I will get to see him before I go, and it will be nice having him stay over. He has a gig on Saturday night whilst I'm away, got it into my head now that he is going to cheat on me, sure he won't, but you never know and I can't shake off the thought now. Will have to talk to him about it tomorrow night, or it will do my head in.

Boss is being a tosser, can't wait to leave!

Pack It In

2007-09-04T13:07:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Okay

Wearing: Black wideleg trousers, emerald green top with huge puffy sleeves, green shoes

I started my packing last night, god I can't wait to get away, I hate packing, but I hate unpacking even more! Going for quite a casual look and hoping to mix and match lots, this way there's more room in my suitcase for books, magazines and my CD player, I must be the only person on the planet that doesn't have an i-pod! I checked the weather before, gutted, Friday is forecast rain and 20C, last week it was brilliant sunshine and 35C - typical! May have to slip a few more cardigans and jeans in.

I've also started packing up my desk, feel quite sad about this and have found allsorts of interesting and pointless things. I've worked here for nearly 4 years and never realised what a hoarder I am! Must remember to take the red foam armchair that holds my mobile phone, it holds it at the perfect angle so I can see immediately when Mr M has text me!

I'm feeling quite pleased with myself, Mr M upset me a little yesterday and it set me off into one of my old big panics, which resulted in a sleepless night. However, I am feeling pleased because I had planned to send him an email this morning telling him off, but I came to my senses and was able to see all by myself that I was over-reacting and he hadn't actually done anything wrong. Maybe I'm finally getting better at all this!

My niece finally starts High School tomorrow, I'm going round tonight to give her a final style-check and to straighten her hair, just as a one-off. My little 7-year old nephew went over his handle bars last night, bless him. He has had to have 3 stitches across his nose, hope it doesn't scar his cute little face. My nana has now caught a sickness bug that has been going round the hospital, its the last thing she needs and means I can't go and see her before my holiday now, as the ward is closed.

Mr Creep has upped tempo this week, I have been bombarded with emails, declaring his feelings and how miserable he is, I wish he would pack it in (lol). I think today is going to be the last time I ever have to see him, I hope he isn't expecting a goodbye hug or anything. I'm praying he really did delete my mobile number and no longer has my private email address. Mr M has bet me £50 that I will hear from him, I really hope he's wrong, this is one chapter that is well overdue closing.

Bought a gorgeous blouse at lunchtime for my new job, its cream and has huge puffy sleeves, really liking puffy sleeves at the moment. Its perfect and was just what I was looking for, plus I got 20% discount with the Glamour voucher - yay!

The Weekend

2007-09-03T11:37:00.000+01:00

Goods:

My nana was in better spirits when I went to visit yesterday, the doctor is reviewing everything today, but it was nice to see her smiling and laughing.
I had a good time visiting a friend on Friday night.
Love my haircut by my new hairdresser and it was half the price I usually pay! Even Mr M said its the best haircut I've had.
New little earner on Saturday afternoon was really good, really enjoyed it and its really boosted my confidence.
Work at the bar on Saturday night was a bit dull, but Mr M was there so that made it okay, he stayed over and we spent a lovely morning together, then went out for a few drinks last night. He was very sweet and said lots of gorgeous things to me.
I've got loads of things to look forward to over the next month or so. A night away with Mr M, a wedding, a couple of really good gigs, friends birthday celebrations and a few catch up nights out with friends.
Only 5 days left until I leave here and go on holiday.
Finally been to the doctor to get proper spot treatment, currently I only have 1 little spot - please let it continue!
Someone told me last night that I have beautiful skin and should be a model - think she was a bit drunk, but hey I'll take any compliments I can get!

Bads:

Money is going to be a bit tight due to lots of things happening, still would rather be skint than doing nothing. Plus MOT is due this month.
Work is really shitty, so glad its my last week, my boss is being horrible to me, but at least it confirms that I'm doing the right thing by leaving.
Not sure if I'll get to see Mr M before I go on holiday, really hope we get chance.
Still got lots going on in my head, feeling quite stressed about it all.
My niece starts high school tomorrow, very worried about it on her behalf.

Nana

2007-08-31T15:02:00.000+01:00

Feeling: okay
Wearing: Navy staightleg, teal big sleeves blouse

I'm feeling a little better today, had a good chat with Mr M last night so my head is a little clearer. Stresses are still there and I'm dying to see Mr M, I need a hug. Hopefully I'll get one tomorrow.

Worried about my nana as she was taken in to hospital yesterday, I went to see her last night and she can hardly breathe and was so scared when the doctor said it looks like heart failure. She thanked me for everything and said that she's not scared of dying and that she'll be with grandad again. I don't think she would be that sad to go, her life isn't much anymore.

She's stuck in a home, sits in the same chair every day, can't even see the TV from where she sits, she can't get up or go to bed when she wants, she can't go to the toilet on her own, she can't walk and doesn't even get a choice of what she wants to eat. Her body has given up, but her minds all there, in a way I think that's even sadder. She is sat in a room with senile ladies, so she can't even have a conversation with them. Whilst they're sat there in there own mystical worlds, she is sat there alone and frustrated.

Her only highlights are when my family go to visit, mum and dad go 3 times a week and take the grandchildren, I'm ashamed to say I don't go as often as I should. I feel so guilty and always have every intention to go more, but then don't. I have no excuse, its not even far from where I live. I just find it difficult, I hate seeing her in there, I have to sit on the floor in the middle of a circle of old woman. I have to shout to be heard, then everyone moans because they can't hear the TV, or they try and join in, which annoys my nana no end, I can never think of what to talk about, sometimes I can hit on a topic that really gets her going and I get to hear great stories from when she was younger, other times its like she has forgotten how to make conversation and its very stilted and hard. She has a really good sense of humour and if she's in the right mood, I can have a really good laugh with her. She can also be quite rude and to the point.

She has come out with some right corkers over the years, that have had us in stitches, to name a few:
What a lovely picture, you look very pretty, it doesn't look like you at all - whilst looking at a photo of me!
I think it all went wrong with your husband because you're a vegetarian - that was it end of conversation!
She needs to come home and get a paper-round, that will sort her out - when my sister was in hospital with anorexia aged 20!
That nurse is quite nice for a fattie - this was shouted with an accompanying pointing finger, the nurse was only about 5 metres away.

I will make the effort to go more, no excuses. I would hate to be in her position and get hardly any visitors, especially when they are the only thing that stops the monotony.

I seem to have a bit of a guilt complex this week...

Cardi's

2007-08-30T15:32:00.001+01:00

I hate the word cardigan, for me it conjures up horrible images of acrylic beige shapeless affairs with big gold buttons. Anyway I decided I needed one in chocolate brown, as that tends to be my base colour, after searching high and low I came across this perfect specimen. Its exactly what I was looking for and will be great for throwing on on top of everything if I'm feeling a little chilly but don't want to wear a coat. Love it love it love it.

Whirlpool

2007-08-30T09:33:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Unsettled
Wearing: Brown tweed pencil skirt, orange top

I can't really put my finger on it, I'm just feeling not quite right at the moment, nothing major is going on, I just seem to have a lot in my head. I'm going to try and dump it all out here, it might not make much sense, but here goes...

I don't seem to have as much contact with Mr M as usual at the moment, I know its just because he's really busy, but I feel like I spend my life waiting to hear from him. I know this is partly due to me not having much to do at work at the moment and I've also had a quiet social life of late, as I'm trying to save a bit of money for my holiday. Too much time to think and wait I guess. Having said that in the past week I have heard from him, if not spoken to him at least once a day and he has stayed over 3 times - so not that bad really! I also had a lovely text last night just before I went to sleep, so glad he sent it, it made me feel tons better.

I'm worried about leaving this job, what if I can't do the new one, what if they don't like me, what if I'm jumping from the frying pan in to the fire? I can't find any new clothes for it, I'm going to look a mess and no one will like me.

After I split from The Ex, I kept in contact with my ex sister in law, she had had a baby the day before it all came out. We always got on okay, but we're very different people and were never going to be the best of friends. It was hard seeing her, but it got easier, but we were always tiptoeing round the main issue and were always very careful not to mention The Ex. The visits dwindled a bit and we swapped birthday and christmas presents. I last saw them just before Christmas, I sent a text to thank them for my presents and never heard anything back. I sent birthday cards and never heard a thing. Then it was the baby's 2nd birthday last week and I sent her a present, I didn't hear anything so just thought okay thats it, they don't want to know anymore. I was a little sad, but it was no great loss, another chapter closed, time to move on and probably for the best anyway. Last night a thank you card was pushed through my door and she enclosed her new phone number and said to visit soon. I don't know what to do, part of me thinks just walk away now, a little part of me thinks if I carry on seeing her it will really annoy him and I will get to show them how far I've come. I don't think they're good reasons to see her again, but I don't know if I can resist. I am annoyed at myself for caring and having these motives.

I'm having my haircut on Saturday at a new hairdressers, its half the price of my current one, I never feel like the current one actually cuts it, it seems to be over in a flash and look no different, then I'm left wondering why I've just paid £45 for a cup of coffee and an uncomfortable hairwash! I hope the new one doesn't mess it up though, I like my hair. I also feel guilt for deflecting.

I've got loads to do on Saturday and I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in.

Links

2007-08-29T14:10:00.000+01:00

I've added a couple of links; if I've added your blog and you'd rather I didn't please let me know, or if you would like your blog adding, please also let me know.

Thanks x

Beggar's Belief

2007-08-29T13:29:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Okay

Wearing: Black trousers, green vest top, sheer black blouse with green flowers

Nothing much to report really, had a fairly dull evening wondering round the shops, trying in vain to find new clothes for my job and finding nothing, except a bit of stress, when I got stuck in a top and thought I would be stuck in it forever. There is nothing quite like that moment of fear!

I'm just clearing some files of my PC at work and stumbled across the attached picture, I took it in Vienna last Sept (gorgeous place by the way). This chap walked up to the spot, tucked his legs under him, hid them with a towel, then begged with a sign saying that his legs had been blown off in an accident - unbelievable! Eventually he got chased away by lots of scary, but very good looking policemen. Even the police look chic in Italy and all had designer shades on. You should have seen how fast those little legs could carry him!

Weekend Roundup

2007-08-28T11:08:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Tired and happy
Wearing: Cream volume top with big sleeves and brown pinstripe trousers

Its been a bit of an up and down weekend, but I'm in a good mood today, so it can't have been that bad really!

Bads:
- I had a horrible argument with Mr M on Saturday night, all stemming from something really quite minor, it just didn't seem it at the time, all is okay now though. I find it really hard to believe how he feels about me, which hurts him.
- A fairly quietish weekend, don't like these. Spent quite a bit of time on my own at home.
- I am soooo tired today, due to a drunken phone call from Mr M at 1:30am this morning, asking to be picked up, I couldn't resist his pathetic voice saying 'please come and get me, I don't want to be here, I want to be with you now please' - bless his cottons!

Goods:
- I caught up with lots of friends this weekend
- Had a fab time on Sunday night at Mr M's gig, he met loads of my friends, really appreciate the effort they made to come and the band sounded great, I got far too drunk but had lots of fun and finally properly celebrated getting my job.
- I haven't spent much money which is good, as I have none.
- Although I know I shouldn't condone drunken calls at 1:30am, I am really pleased that he did ring and loved spending two nights in a row with him. I got my own back by making him get up at 8am this morning though, as he's off today and I needed to take him to his car.
- Only 8 more working days left here, then off on my jollies!

Working Girl

2007-08-24T13:18:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Happy but poorly

Wearing: Brown Wideleg Trousers and Red Top

I'm starting to think about what new clothes I'll need for my new job and have come to the realisation that I actually only have about 5 outfits that will be suitable. The rest are either too casual, too worn, too big, too frumpy or just plain wrong. I've always wanted to work somewhere where I can be who I want to be without having the piss taken out of me, I've got a one wrap dress that I wear for work and you should have seen the hoo haa that caused! This is my chance to dress how I want to. I can wear chic work clothes and will fit in at the new place. I had a good look round at my interviews and everyone looked very on trend and stylish. Looking forward to wearing dresses, city shorts, cropped trousers and boots, and waistcoats. Just need the money to pay for it all now! I usually wear my best outfits if there is a chance I'll be seeing Mr M, so from now on I am going to have a new rule....Would I be happy to bump in to Mr M wearing this? Only yes will do!

Had a nice night with Mr M last night, fish pie was good, although maybe a little bland, had a few issues trying to get the lumps out of the mash, but a panicked phone call to my mum sorted that one out. I left work early yesterday, so I could get all the ingredients and have time to make myself beautiful for his arrival, but when I arrived home he was already there! It was a nice surprise though, and was nice to chill out in the garden with a beer before I started trying to cook. It was so nice as always to be with him, just love spending time with him. I slept really well with him last night, his snoring was at a minimum! Haven't heard from him today though, it pisses me off, I want to carry on the 'feel-good' from last night, but he isn't playing ball. Okay okay I know he's at work and busy and I'm sat here bored which is why I want him to play, but still a little text or email can't be that hard to do, surely!

Fishy

2007-08-23T14:07:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Black pencil skirt, purple silk blouse

I have just met my friend for lunch and revealed who Mr Creep is, her reaction was as I anticipated, a little shocked, a little repulsed and laughing a lot! Hopefully we can sweep this under the carpet now and never mention it again (pretty please).

Mr M is coming over tonight and I'm cooking fisherman's pie. I have never cooked fish in my life before, so fingers crossed it turns out okay. He said the other week that fish is a favourite, so before I could stop myself, I was listening to the words tumble out of my mouth, declaring that I make a lovely fish pie and will make him one. Why I said that I do not know, it is a blatent lie, which I hope I manage to pull off. Hoping that mine will look like this picture!

Very excited about seeing him and have had butterflies all day, although maybe thats just nerves in case he cancels, as we all know he does do that from time to time.

Unveiled!

2007-08-22T12:55:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy

Wearing: The attached blouse tucked in to navy slimleg trousers, brown belt and teal shoes

I have been discovered, I am outed! I had an email from an ex colleague and friend this morning to tell me she had found my blog and worked out it was me and to ask me a very important question 'who is Mr Creep'? Arghhhhhh a quick recap to those that can't remember Mr Creep is a chap from work who I had relations with last year, it was a big secret and I only told a couple of people about it. I ended it last year and have had constant emails and abuse ever since, which hasn't been nice and quite hard to deal with.

Ha ha I have just had this poem off my friend....

There once was a lass named ???
Who was knocking off some old bat
She met him at work
So she threw off her skirt
She should tell me who it is, that ???

I haven't actually confirmed who it is yet, but I'm going to have to. Oh the shame! I know she will read this so I would just like to say that it all happened at a time when I was very fragile, unstable, I do feel that I was taken advantage of, as I wasn't in a sound frame of mind at the time. He gave me attention that I needed, so I responded to it, then he got a bit heavy and kind of scared me a bit so I ended it. It was a boost I needed and it definitely helped me on the road to recovery, but I ended up hurting him badly, which was never my intention. I didn't realise that actually he isn't very stable either!

I don't want to sound unkind but the thought of being with him now turns my stomach, there is only one friend who knows all about this and she made sicky noises every time I mentioned it, I can understand why now and I know my friend when she finds out who Mr Creep is, will do the same.

Ah well you live and learn....he was very good in bed though ;-)

So, how do I feel about being unveiled, fine actually. In a way its quite nice to have someone I know read it, there's alot I don't say to my friends, so I guess its nice that someone knows everything going on. She also assured me I'm not too boring, which is good, as I often wondered if readers thought I was just dull! She did say that I put myself down too much, I wasn't aware I did this, so will try not to in future.

Cat Steven

2007-08-21T10:37:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Brown wide leg trousers, sheer fine knit shortsleeved slouchy beige polo neck

I love my little cat, I really don't know what I'd do without him. He has been my little rock over the last few years. He gives me a reason to go home, he's always pleased to see me and we have a little chat about our day (obviously one-sided, but he is a good listener). He sleeps with me every night and we have a little cuddle before I turn the light off, unless I have company, then he goes straight to the spare room without even being asked ha ha. I think if I didn't have him, I would go crazy living on my own, he allows it to be more normal to talk out loud, when I'm on my own.

He never liked The Ex and would avoid him like the plague, I should have listened, cats gets the measure of people more quickly than humans. He loved Mr Creep, but I think that was just because he was pleased that I had got someone. He has a bit of a love/hate relationship with Mr M, but mostly they get on well and he always goes to him for a cuddle and makes a point of saying hello, when he comes round. He's seen a lot of changes bless him, he actually got very depressed for a few months, after The Ex, I think he picked up on how I was feeling, but since then he is a different cat, much happier and friendly with strangers, he has got used to lots of different people coming round and always makes an effort to welcome them into our home.

The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into.

- Bruce Schimmel

Perfect Fit

2007-08-20T10:27:00.000+01:00

Yesterday morning I gave Mr M a lift home, when I got home I saw that he had left a CD on the side with a note on it saying 'Play number 5, its our song, the words mean so much, listen carefully xx'

"Say It Again" - Natasha Bedingfield

No need to translate, 'cause my eyes give me away, even though my lips don't say.. This should be so easy, but my head gets in the way, all the things that I want to tell you. You're the most perfect yet, most definitely that i've met, and I wonder if you know that's how I feel about you. I hope you know.. 'cause I have so much love for you. Do with it what you will.. And I have nothing more to prove, say to me what you will.. Say, say it again.

Not enough lovers in life to go around but there's you and me, if we don't start it out.. mmmm.. It's not hard to let go enough to let me in. If it's meant to be, it can only be good.

You're the most perfect fit, most definitely that i've met, and I hope that you feel the same way too about me.. just let me know.. 'cause I have so much love for you, do with it what you will.. And I have nothing more to prove. Say to me what you will.. Say, say it again..

Can you take it from me? If I give, can you receive? I'm reaching out, giving everything. I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I give you it all.. 'cause I have so much love for you, do with it what you will.. And I have nothing more to prove. Say to me what you will.. Say, say it again..

I listened to it with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart, the whole song is perfect, in the booklet he had highlighted the words that I've put in bold above. He often says if we had met each other years ago, we'd have saved ourselves so much heartache, I don't agree though, I think we are the people we are today, because of the heartache. But yes, he is the most perfect fit, that I've met. I have never got on with someone so well on so many levels.

This has touched me so much, he is so in to his music and has such eclectic tastes, he's very in to the words and the meaning of songs and now we have one. I've played it over and over since I got it.

The Weekend

2007-08-20T10:24:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Brown pinstripe trousers, cream slouchy top

Good:

- The gig on Friday was really good, they sounded great and I had a really good laugh with one of the other band members girlfriends, who I don’t usually get on that well with.
- I booked my holiday – very excited!
- I spent all Saturday in the house on my own and it didn’t bother me.
- Work was good on Saturday night, it was quite busy for a change and I got some lovely compliments (from women).
- Mr M stayed over Saturday night, we had a really big heart to heart, he said really lovely things to me and was so sweet.
- I had a lovely morning with Mr M on Sunday, we had breakfast in bed and lots of chat and cuddles.
- I went for lunch with my sister and niece and her two friends, it was nice to spend time with them, especially my sister as I haven’t seen her much lately. The things she does make it hard for me to see her, but when I do we always get on so well and have a laugh.
- Caught up with a few friends and my parents, they’re all really pleased for me about the job and I got some lovely cards.
- Yesterday was punctuated throughout with lovely soppy texts from Mr M – he was a bit drunk after celebrating the football, so was at his soppiest!

Bad:

- Mr M was supposed to stay on Friday night too, but just as we were about to erm sleep, his phone rang and his brother was having big problems, so Mr M had to go to the rescue. I understand but was a bit peeved as it scuppered our Saturday plans too.

Only one bad, as it was a really good weekend!

Anniversaries

2007-08-17T16:24:00.000+01:00

My mum just rang and said how do you feel about tomorrow are you okay with it all, I thought for a moment, then said why, whats happening tomorrow? She said god have I just reminded you that it was 2 years ago tomorrow you got the text message from the other woman.

I did know it was this week, but it hadn't really come to the front of my mind. How do I feel about tomorrow, fine actually, it doesn't bother me at all.

I never thought I would get to the point where I am today. It really doesn't bother me. I will always be sad about it, it will no doubt always affect my behaviour, rationale, and how I feel about relationships. But it doesn't upset me anymore. It was a lucky escape and I have survived it!

Actually I've just had a look at what I was doing on that day last year and just realised its actually Sunday not Saturday the anniversary - ha ha guess that date is no longer indelible in my mind. Last year I was at a wedding, which was hard to do.

I really do feel as free as a bird right now!

Leaving on a Jetplane

2007-08-17T13:25:00.000+01:00

Feeling: A bit blah
Wearing: Brown tweed trousers, khaki green jumper with orange vest underneath

I've started telling everyone at work that I'm leaving, I'm quite enjoying the look of shock on their faces and can't help feeling joyful that I won't be here for much longer. Mr Creep hasn't taken the news well and is sending a barrage of emails again, he keeps asking if I will keep in touch, wtf I don't keep in touch now, why would I then? I haven't answered his question, but that is just making him email more, not sure what to do, I don't want to be cruel and just say no I won't be.

Going to a gig tonight, not really looking forward to it though, Mr M has annoyed me a bit this week and I can't even get hold of him today, I know he's busy but surely its polite to send just a quick text to let me know everything is okay.

On a positive note should be booking a holiday this afternoon to Corfu, for the last week of my notice period, as I'm owed some holiday. I'm going with a girl I worked with 5 years ago, we didn't see each other for four years and live at the opposite ends of the country, but on the spur of the moment decided to go to Italy for a week together last year and it was fab! I've not seen her since arriving back at the airport last Sept and we've only spoken a couple of times, but I know it will be fab. I love friends like this that you can not see or speak to for ages, but when you do its great. Can't wait to have a relaxing week in the sun!

Resigned

2007-08-16T13:19:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Relieved but a bit crappy
Wearing: Purple silk print wraparound blouse, black pencil skirt

Well I’ve done it, no going back now. I went in to my boss’s office with my resignation letter, shaking like a leaf and my heart hammering away, I started by saying I don’t think this will be a surprise but here’s my resignation. To say he was surprised is an understatement! I can’t believe he was surprised, I told him at Christmas if he couldn’t extradite me out of that company to work solely for him I would be leaving, he kept making promises that just didn’t happen. He just looked really disappointed in me.

Looking forward to slowly telling the rest of the company now. I have already sent Mr Creep an email, I think he will be upset that I’m going, he still seems to think that one day I’ll change my mind and give him another chance.

I have such a bad headache and now have to spend the afternoon in a meeting with my boss, wonder if he’ll tell the rest of the management team…

I hope I'm doing the right thing, I don't think I'll ever work for anyone again that gives me a huge payrise so I can earn enough to get the mortgage on my own, offer to pay my divorce fees, take me to see various bands in a private box, buy me expensive presents at Christmas, give me football tickets so I can take my dad to cheer him up, let me drive his aston martin so I can see what its like, take me to the best restaurants as a treat........

Its All In The Timing

2007-08-15T14:38:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Not sure
Wearing: Black trousers, white slouchy shirt

To celebrate my new job last night I had a bubble bath and a glass of Rose, was a bit gutted to be honest but no one was free at short notice. I wanted to discuss it with someone and tell them all about it and my hopes, fears etc. instead I told Steven (the cat), who didn't seem very impressed.

I haven't handed my notice in yet, as the offer isn't being emailed until later on today and now my boss isn't in until the morning. I'm also waiting to hear back from a friend to see if she can take a week off, as I'm owed some holiday, so hoping we can have a week in the sun before I start. If she can't I'll take the holiday money instead, but I really could do with a bit of sun. Fingers crossed.

Why is it that once you know you're leaving and no one else does, they all start being nice to you? My boss said this morning he doesn't know what he'd do without me and then surprised me by buying me lunch. Then someone from head office did a presentation to all staff this morning and said how pleased he was that no one has resigned since the acquisition and that its nice we're all pulling together. Afterwards him and my boss called me in and asked me to be honest with them and let them know if anyone was thinking of leaving.....I just mumbled no and scurried away. Talk about timing!

I GOT IT!!!!

2007-08-14T14:52:00.001+01:00

Oh my god I got it!!!!! I can't tell you how pleased I am and what a relief it is! I hate my current job and suspect it will become redundant in the next few months anyway, its really been playing on my mind and now I don't need to worry! I can go somewhere and be a new person, where no one will know that I used to be a Mrs and they won't know all my business like they do here.

I know Mr M gets mentioned in every post, but it really is down to him, he gave me the confidence and the kick up the arse to stop moaning about work and do something about it.

Hard bit is handing my notice in tomorrow, feel really bad on my boss as he has been so good to me, especially over the last few years. Feel like I'm letting him down, but he knows it was on the cards.

Yay yay yay!!!!!!!

The Wait Is On

2007-08-14T12:39:00.000+01:00

Feeling:Excited, scared, nervous, on tenterhooks
Wearing: Brown pinstripe trouser suit, beige vest top

Well I had the interview this morning finally! I think it went okay, just depends what they're looking for really. They didn't ask anything too difficult and seemed impressed that I'd bought examples of my work for them to look at. The only stupid thing I did was leave the room at the end of my interview without my handbag! One of the directors came running after me with it - nightmare, how bloody stupid am I, it hardly shows my exceptional organisational skills off, does it!

Another member of staff walked me to the lift and said I was top candidate and its between me and one other. She took my mobile and said she'd give me a sneaky call as soon as she finds out. I should know offically today.

They were discussing it as soon as I left, so surely they must know by now, that was 40 mins ago. I keep staring at my mobile willing it to ring!

The Weekend

2007-08-13T09:28:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy and tired

Good:
- Spoke to Mr M a lot on Friday, which made me feel tons better and realise that yet again I was just being stupid.
- I finally got off my arse and cut my grass and the ivy around my front door, I no longer have to fight my way through cobwebs and be fearful of being covered in spiders every time I enter and leave my house - yay!
- Work in the bar was rubbish on Sat night, it was dead, bless Mr M who had only come in to see me, I could tell he didn't want to be there, but instead of going and meeting his friends, he just went back to my house to wait for me. It was lovely going home to him, instead of an empty house. We had a nice long chat and a takeaway, then went to bed, but only for a few hours as he had to pick some people up from the airport early. He was sweet and wrapped himself around me whilst he was asleep and held my hand.
- I saw my friend and little boy yesterday, he has just started walking and is sooo cute.
- I went to pick my wages up from the bar last night and a few people I know were there, so I ended up staying and having a really good laugh, then Mr M came down to meet me, so I had a nice unexpected evening out with him too.
- New spot cream is working, I am currently spot free!
- Loving Mac belightful powder, although Mr M seems to get covered in it to.

Bad
- Work was very boring on Sat night.
- Next doors builders were really noisy all weekend, it should be against the law to make so much noise at the weekend, especially before 9am!
- I've hurt my back at bit, think it was due to being twisted in an awkward position, when Mr M was asleep and wrapped around me.
- Mr M got a bit stroppy and jealous last night, over a guy that I was sat with when he arrived. Possibly this guy may like me but its certainly one-way, so don't know why its such a big deal.
- Mr M told me a few things about his past that aren't very nice.
- I didn't get to bed until 1:30 this morning, so feeling tired and hungover now.

A Bit Calmer Now

2007-08-10T12:14:00.001+01:00

God its like a bloody rollercoaster!

Just spoken to him, I no longer hate him. Still not feeling great, but much better than earlier. Just want to see him now.

I'm Not Calm

2007-08-10T09:48:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Anxious
Wearing: Brown wideleg trousers, red ruched top

Okay I am no longer calm, the old feelings of anxiousness and insecurity have returned. I hate it, I hate him and I hate myself.

I am pissed off that I can't be rational. I thought I had got over this.

I Will Stay Calm

2007-08-09T10:04:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Black trousers, white vest top, white with black pinstripes wraparound shirt

I'm feeling much better today, trying to keep in all in to perspective. Think the fact that Mr M rang 3 times, text a few times and emailed about 20 times yesterday helped lots lol! I do feel so much more secure with him now, I think I know he isn't about to dump me and I know he thinks of me when he's not with me. He had a really good gig last night, which I couldn't go to as I had to work, he knew I was disappointed, so rang just before it, text straight after it, then rang me when he got home - that was really sweet and much appreciated. He also always seems to know exactly the right thing to say, last night he was saying how much he hates doing gigs when I'm not there, as usually he finds me in the crowd and just focuses on me throughout it - awww.

Not sure when I'm seeing him next, hoping he comes to the bar on Saturday night, when I'm working. He's really busy and got lots going on, so I'm going to try and hold back from contacting him, don't want to mither, I really need to not obsess about hearing from him over the next few days, I know I will, so need to stay calm!

Up and Down

2007-08-08T10:58:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Okay
Wearing: Navy trousers, new teal blouse tucked in

Hmmm not feeling great today, but I'm going to try really hard to keep the good mood I've had lately. Its all down to the simple fact that Mr M is going away for a few days tomorrow. I can't seem to handle change in routine very well, I don't like that I won't know exactly where he is, that I won't be able to email him or call him when I want to. I know its stupid really, I know that I will still hear from him lots. I'm going to try so hard not to let it ruin how well I've been doing, I am not going to panic over stupid things, like if I don't hear from him all day. I think I am at the point now where I am feeling more secure, I know that if I don't hear from him, it doesn't mean anything other than that he's busy and that when he's back everything will be okay again. God if he knew what a nightmare I was underneath my fairly calm exterior, he would run a mile! God when did I become so needy, dependant and pathetic???

Can't Cook Won't Cook

2007-08-07T10:44:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Really Happy
Wearing: Navy slim leg trousers, lime green top.

I had such a great time with Mr M last night, every moment we seem to spend together is just fantastic. My kebabs were lovely even if I do say so myself and Mr M agreed and cleared the plate. This means so much to me and I know it sounds stupid but for 9 years I had The Ex telling me I couldn't cook, but he never really gave me the chance, he did it all and made such a big deal out of it, telling everyone how he had to do all the cooking as I couldn't blah blah blah. Suppose I just believed him and gave up even trying. I now have discovered actually I can cook and from scratch and even more unbelievable I actually enjoy it. I think I'm turning in to a Stepford housewife, but I love just sitting Mr M down with a drink, so he can chill out whilst I make him something lovely to eat. I don't even mind doing all the washing up! He does offer, but he works so hard (much harder than me at the moment), and has such a stressful life that I just want to spoil him. If The Ex could see me now, he wouldn't believe it, apart from him doing all the cooking, we also used to be very equal in everything domestic, but with Mr M I seem to have regressed to a 1950's housewife, I really love it though and he really appreciates it, which makes it all the nicer to do.

The rest of the evening was spent doing quizzes on love, life and personality out of my trashy magazines, it was a really good thing to do together, we found out lots about each other, it gets you really talking and was really funny. We actually came out quite similiar in most things which surprised me. He stayed over and we slept in each others arms all night, I used to hate touching people when I slept but love being so close to him. Steven slept curled up with us too. It got a tad warm!

The only low point of the evening was me finding a huge spider and Mr M not rescuing me, I had to hoover it up myself - sure a 1950''s husband would have dealt with it!

In Out Shake it all About

2007-08-06T12:48:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Happy and hopeful
Wearing: Black trousers, green vest top and sheer black blouse with green flowers

Well surprise surprise Mr M didn't leave the band afterall. He has left and rejoined so many times now. I think deep down he has had enough but he just can't make that final cut, when the gig goes well and there's a big crowd there, he is in his element and I guess he just lives for those times. He actually asked me if I would end things if he left, as he thought I might just like the fact he was in a band. Bless him, true I love going to gigs and feel so proud of him when he's on stage, I love visiting all the different places and meeting different people, I love getting all dressed up to go and the banter with the rest of the band, but really I just love him, with or without the band, I just love him.

I've had a really good weekend and spent loads of time with my bestest friends, not seen Mr M since Friday, but we've talked lots and he's been really sweet. He's coming over tonight and I'm going to cook marinated pork kebabs with baby jacket potatoes, hope it goes okay, I'm literally only just getting in to this cooking lark. However, there is still time for him to cancel....

Worked a Treat

2007-08-03T17:42:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Wide leg jeans, with green bubble top and brown wedges

Well the hotpants worked a treat! He was outside the club, when I arrived and stood there with his mouth open and watched me walk up the road, ha ha his face was a picture! Definitely got the desired reaction and was worth all the nerves and fake tanning effort. The gig ended on a bad note though, there was a bit of an argument and Mr M says he is leaving the band, I've heard that before though, so doubt he will really. I hope not anyway, purely for selfish reasons but I really enjoy going to loads of different places for the gigs! I also know how much he loves it really.

We've spent a lovely day together, just lazing around, he fell asleep in my arms and I felt like I was going to burst with love.

Finally!

2007-08-02T13:44:00.000+01:00

Yay! I've got a date for my 2nd interview...14th Aug at 11:30. So I have a week and a half to prep for it - god i want it so much!

Tonight is the Night

2007-08-02T11:26:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Excited
Wearing: Brown wide leg trousers, red top

Getting very excited about tonight now, I haven't seen Mr M since Sunday and am missing him loads. Hope I get the reaction I want off him when I walk in! Managed to fit in 3 fake tan sessions yesterday, so my legs now actually have a bit of colour - shame about the bruise on my thigh though!

Got a few people coming from work tonight, so it should be a good laugh, and I'm off tomorrow yipee. Got a good weekend planned, so all is good in Caterpillar land at the moment. Actually got butterflies in my tummy at the moment!

Hotpants

2007-08-01T13:59:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Brown pinstripe trousers, cream top

I have been manically fake tanning all week to try and make my legs presentable by tomorrow night; I’m nowhere near presentable yet though. How many more applications can I cram in….before I unleash my legs on the world.

I am ‘blessed’ with the palest of pale skin, that fake tan just doesn’t seem to work on, for some reason it just doesn’t take, I have spent a fortune on all the different ones and so far Dove seems to be the only one that gives me a tiny bit of colour, despite using the one designed for dark skin! I hate fake tanning soooo much, I hate the fear of being left with awful streaks and lines, I hate standing around naked waiting for it to dry, I hate scrubbing my hands so they don’t go orange, I hate the smell of it, I hate that it gets on towels, clothes and sheets. Most of all I hate that I never become that golden brown girl in the adverts. I would love to embrace my paleness, but it isn’t going to happen, my legs aren’t creamy porcelain white, they are ugly day-glo white/blue, so I will continue in a vain attempt to take the edge off with just a hint of a tint of colour.

All this effort just to wear a pair of hotpants tomorrow night, to a club which will be dark anyway! Whether I will have the guts to actually wear said shorts is another matter altogether. Really happy with my outfit, am going for the denim hotpants, with a navy slouchy top, tan waist belt and tan heels. I like it, it looks nice, my mother said I looked like I’d stepped out of a magazine – bless, don’t you just love mums! I just don’t know if I can leave the house wearing it….I’m going to Mr M’s gig at a club, my friend was supposed to be taking me there to help with the confidence thing, but she can’t make it, now I have to get the bus on my own. I know people go out wearing far less, with worse figures than mine, but I worry I’ll look tarty, I worry I’ll look over-dressed for a Thursday night, I worry that I’m too old to dress like that, I worry that my thighs might dimple when I sit down, I worry that another band members girlfriend will slag me off for looking a tart, I just worry! I really want to do it and not resort to jeans – again. Whilst I have an okay figure, I should make the most of it; Mr M will love it and has helped give me the confidence to buy them in first place. I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, I need to do this for me.

Bet it rains tomorrow now, then I’ll have to wear jeans!

Mobile Phones

2007-07-31T12:39:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Okay
Wearing: Navy straightlegs, slouchy white shirt tucked in

I've just been reading a few posts on handbag about mobile phones, and whether you should look at your boyfriends phone etc. Is stirred up all sorts of memories and I'm feeling abit upset now. You see the phone thing was the first indication to me that all was not right with The Ex. About a year before I found out about the affair, he became glued to his mobile phone, it never left his side, only got charged in the car, it was kept under his pillow or in his pocket, but never just left on the side. I was aware this wasn't normal behaviour and asked so many times why he was doing this, he just turned it round on me, saying I was over reacting and of course he wasn't hiding anything. When the man you are married to and love says such things, what are you meant to do, other than believe him? Every now and then I used to demand to see his phone, all call logs would be empty, as would his inbox and sent items for texts, I used to ask why, no one deletes everything, he just used to say, well I do and that was the end of it.

Also he began to run up huge bills, that we couldn't afford, we had so many arguments about it, I couldn't understand why they were so high, he wasn't calling me. I never saw a bill, he said there was a problem with the phone company... I was on pay as you go, so made him swop phones with me in an attempt to keep the bills down. I began getting silent phone calls a few times a day, more so when I was with him, this went on for months, I remember saying is it some other woman that had your number, are you having an affair. No of course not, was the answer. I remember talking to friends and family about it and how strange it was, we all laughed about how it must be another woman, but of course it wasn't. It was really getting me down and upsetting me, as the phone was in his name, he said he would sort getting the number blocked. Then the calls the stopped, I was so relieved.

About a week later I was sat at work on a Friday afternoon, at 3pm a text came through from an unknown number, it said....Hi you don't know me but I've been having an affair with your husband for a long time. I laughed in disbelief and showed it my friend, we both laughed. I rang The Ex and told him, he laughed and said when would I have time to have an affair? I said thats a strange thing to say. We said goodbye. Alarm bells started ringing, my friend rang the number, the girl knew too many things and said too many things about him for it not to be true. I don't remember if I spoke to her or not, its all a bit of a blur from then on. I remember ringing him though and saying its true isn't it, he denied it, apparently I screamed at him to pack his bags and be gone by the time I got home, he cried. I never saw him again. I kept getting texts from the girl, she wanted to meet me as was hurt too, I told her to leave me alone and that we weren't in a soap opera, she wouldn't though and became quite abusive and said she was watching me. I had to change my phone in the end. Personally I think she wasn't quite right in the head, I later found out she had told me, as apparently The Ex had ended things the week before and that was her revenge. I don't hate her though and don't blame her at all, I never have, its up to him not to cheat, he was the married one and supposed to be committed to me.

My only view on the subject of mobile phones now, is if it isn't left around for you to look at, then he's hiding something. If it is left around, you don't need to look.

However much it may hurt, don't ignore the warning signs, I will always feel stupid for doing so, especially seeing it all written in black and white here.

Mr M leaves his mobile on the side....so far.

Lazy Sunday

2007-07-30T10:31:00.001+01:00

Me and Mr M were having a lovely lazy Sunday morning together, which is a rare treat, as usually one of us has to get up early and is rushing around, we’d had a lovely breakfast in bed and were having a nice chat, when there was a knock at my door, my parents had arrived unexpectedly! Although they’ve met Mr M at the bar, it’s always just been very casual, I’m not ready for him to do the whole meet the family thing yet, neither is he and neither are they. I decided the best course of action would be for him just to be quiet and stay in bed, as I thought they’d only stay for a cuppa, but they rolled in with my nieces and nephew, then started unpacking a picnic! I couldn’t rewind at that point and say that actually he was upstairs.

My eldest niece kept asking who the coat belonged to, I said it was mine and she wouldn’t drop it, she kept asking loads of questions, so told her in the end, then had to beg her not to go upstairs, as she wanted to go and look at him. Ended up having to tell my mum he was up there too, so she could hurry them up and leave. It was the quickest picnic in history; my dad couldn’t understand why my mum was suggesting eating dessert in the car! It would have just been easier to have brought him down to meet them, but I’d feel a bit uncomfortable my dad knowing that Mr M had just left my bed, plus the kids might have got a bit confused and niece would have done her usual trick of asking if he was going to be my next husband! I seem to dig myself in to these holes a lot…..

Weekend Goods and Bads

2007-07-30T10:06:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Black trousers, cream with black polka dots top with black and cream spotty scarf

Good:
- Finally starting to feel better, been feeling a little ill for a week or so
- Enjoyed catching up with some friends at a BBQ on Saturday
- Mr M came in the bar on Saturday night, I wasn’t expecting him to, so it was a lovely surprise. However, we did get caught doing some ‘heavy kissing’ by the security guy – we thought we were alone!
- Mr M stayed over Saturday night and we had a lovely morning together on Sunday, apart from a little episode, which deserves more detail, so I’ll post about that separately.
- Lots of Mr M contact all weekend
- The BBQ on Sunday was good, nice to see everyone
- I’ve applied for another job, which looks great, thought I should have a few irons in the fire whilst waiting for my 2nd interview

Bad:
- Due to illness I had a rubbish Friday night and stayed in on my own, hated every minute of it and went to bed at 9pm
- Mr M didn’t make it to the BBQ on Sunday, although I do understand why and he made up for it. Still would have been nice if he could have come
- Felt a bit upset when I got home from the BBQ, I was pissed and in a great giggly mood and it was rubbish going home to an empty house and having no one to laugh with
- Came to work this morning to find a load of emails from Mr Creep that he has sent over the weekend – not very nice ones
- Very spotty at the moment

I Finally Did It

2007-07-27T14:54:00.000+01:00

I finally told Mr Creep about Mr M. Not sure if I should have done, but felt like I had to, as more and more people at work know about him now and someone is bound to mention it infront of Mr Creep, who would then be upset that I didn't tell him. Not that its really any of his business! Hope this doesn't open up a whole new can of worms. Mr Creep has been good lately and not contacted me much, since telling him this morning, I have had an email saying thanks for telling me, he hopes I'm happy blah blah and then unfortunately another 4 emails, just asking general stuff, but its these ones that I hate and asked him to stop sending, they start off all general, then I either get declarations of love or a load of abuse and the more he found out about my life now the more uncomfortable I became, as he picked up on things, then wouldn't let it go and turn up at places.

Hopefully this chapter of my life is finally closing, I've been trying to close it since last September...

Another Will He Won't He

2007-07-27T10:25:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Okay
Wearing: Brown tweed trousers, cream volume top tucked in, bronze ballet flats and lots of spots!

I ended up having yesterday off sick, I hate doing that and feel so guilty, but I did feel ill and hate work so much at the moment I just couldn’t face going in. I slept lots then spent the afternoon preparing for Mr M’s arrival, quite enjoyed doing the Stepford housewife bit, got everywhere nice and tidy, made myself look more human and then cooked him a full roast dinner (including proper roast potatoes). So, on his arrival everything was ready, candles were light, mood music playing in the background etc. we had a nice evening and he seemed to really appreciate the effort I had gone to.

Think I’ll stay in tonight, still not feeling great, but I hate staying in on a Friday night so much, it just feels wrong. Tomorrow I’m just working in the evening, although may I show may face at a party for a few hours before work, then Sunday I’m going to a big BBQ party at The Ex’s friends house, looking forward to it, although they invited Mr M the other week and he said he would go, but it kind of feels like he’s trying to get out of it now. I’ll be really upset if he doesn’t come, I make so much effort for him, could do with a little bit back. It would mean so much to me to have him there, sick of going places on my own and they’ve all heard so much about him, the rest of them are dying to meet him. Really hope he doesn’t let me down. Not sure whether to say something to him, I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, as that usually has the opposite effect. If he doesn't go, it will feel like he just doesn't give a shit about me, he will come out with a load of excuses, but I know they will just be excuses. I didn’t sleep last night worrying about it.

Below Par

2007-07-25T13:04:00.000+01:00

What exactly is par? Whatever it is I'm feeling below it, think I'm coming down with something, I knew my late nights would catch up on me at some point. I actually went to bed at 8:30 last night, but then had to listen to next doors child having a screaming fit for an hour, he must have been a very naughty boy, as he was being well and truly told off. Felt like ringing her and telling her to tell him off tomorrow, when he's calmer!

Loving my new shorts, spent an hour trying them on with various things last night, I love doing that. Roll on next week when I get to wear them. Then I spent an hour on the phone to my sister, she has just broken up with her no good boyfriend. Praying she doesn't take him back, if she does, any respect I have left for her will be zero, he has gone way too far this time.

Mr M is very stressed with his job at the moment, finding it hard to know what to say to calm him down, hopefully just listening to him is helping him. Don't think I'll be seeing him until the weekend, really missing him, especially as over the last few weeks I've seen him at least every other day.

I Know its Wrong

2007-07-24T13:27:00.000+01:00

Okay I know its wrong on so many levels, but I can't help feeling a little bit happy that I have just bought some denim hotpants that are a size 6. Guess vanity sizing does work then lol. A couple of years ago I wore a size 10, even the odd 12, I have lost a bit of weight unintentionally since then, but there is no way I am a true size 6 now, I would say more of an 8/10. If vanity sizing continues at this rate, I'll disappear altogether and end being minus 1 or something stupid. So with no one to tell (if I did it would raise undue concern), I thought I'd tell it here.

Also the fact I've bought hotpants is a pretty big deal. I always used to hide my body and never appreciate any of it. Mr M has definately helped me gain body confidence, he is full of compliments and makes me feel good about myself. I am now at a stage where I can allow myself to believe I have good bits and show the best bits off, which are I guess my legs, they 36 inches and although slim, they do have a bit of shape, they're milk bottle white though, so will have to keep up the fake tanning! I also think I should make the most of it whilst I can, I don't have that many years left of being able to get away with mini skirts and hotpants.

Need to come up with the rest of the outfit now, I don't want to look tarty, have a huge fear about looking like mutton!

Also need to actually leave the house wearing them!

Salsa in the Eye

2007-07-24T10:10:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Black trousers, sheer black blouse with green flowers and green vest top

I had 9 hours sleep last night! Why is it the more sleep you have the worse you feel? I also went to see Hairspray, it was good and not a disappointment as remakes often are, I just couldn't wait for it to be finished so I could go home to bed. I also had a 3 year old boy sat next to me, who kicked me throughout, talked lots, moaned lots, stood up lots, walked around lots, cried lots and wriggled lots - does it make me a bad person that I contemplated putting the salsa from my nachos in his eyes? To be fair it wasn't the kids fault, it was totally inappropriate to take a young child to an evening viewing and to this kind of film, his mother seemed completely unaware that he was pissing everyone off and did nothing to try and calm him down, never mind take him out - which would have been the best course of action. Rant over!

Mr M is still behaving, lots of emails and calls yesterday, I know these are probably insignificant little things to lots of people, but they mean the world to me.

The Weekend

2007-07-23T10:06:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Tired and happy
Wearing: Cream volume top and navy slim leg trousers

Good:
- I saw a load of relatives I haven't seen for a while and on Friday and they commented how good I look and happy I seem now
- I had my haircut by sexy hairdresser man, although even I can't actually tell its been cut
- I met my best friend for coffee
- I bought a few nice things in the sales, not all of which is going back
- Got to finish work early on Sat night as it was dead
- Had a surprise invite to a meal out yesterday with a big group of people
- My friend had a baby girl on Saturday - awww
- I caught up on all my cleaning and tidying, stresses me out when I don't have time to do it properly
- I went to a gig in a very swanky club last night, Mr M thought I looked hot and stayed over, he made loads of effort and is so sweet
- Mr M has been in touch lots over the weekend

Bad:
- Due to last nights very late night, I am shattered, hate starting the week off like this
- Mr M wasn't in a great mood when I got there last night, so I held back a bit, then when we got back to mine he said he could tell I was going off him. I am soooo not, suppose I just wanted to see if he'd notice if I wasn't all over him. He did. Now I feel really bad. I won't feel right now until I see him again. Don't know when that will be though.

Hangover from Hell

2007-07-20T11:05:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Happy but crappy
Wearing: Red ruched V neck top, black trousers, black cropped cardigan

My god I feel absolutely terrible, I'm sat at my desk trying my hardest not to throw up and making the occasional moan. Why did I think it was a good idea to mix lager and wine and drink double the amount I usually do last night? The gig was good, although went on a bit too long, was struggling to keep up with the head nodding and foot tapping after an hour! Mr M meeting The Ex's friends went really well. He has the admirable trait of being able to get on with anyone, he makes me very proud. We got back to mine and sat in the garden with loads of candles and talked for ages, he is so sweet. Don't think either of us got much sleep, so he's probably feeling rubbish today too, maybe worse than me as the poor bloke had to get up at 6:30 for work.

A Question

2007-07-19T10:53:00.000+01:00

Please leave your opinions in the comments sections, I'm trying to canvass as many views as possible!

Is it acceptable to wear the same suit to my second interview? I would wear it with a different colour top, different hairstyle, different accessories and shoes.

The woman that interviewed me will be there I'm guessing, but so will 3 others that I haven't met yet. The woman I've already met was very stylish and commented on how I looked, so she will definitely notice, does it matter though, I don't want her to think I only own one suit. I have a couple of options, but felt 'right' in this suit and feeling 'right' is pretty important at interviews, isn't it!

Facebook

2007-07-19T10:23:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Navy slim leg trousers, white slouchy shirt tucked in

My name is Miss Butterfly and I'm addicted to facebook! I joined up a couple of weeks ago and now log in at least 10 times a day. I have found people that I worked with years ago and have met up with a couple of them, both times very successfully and I'm pleased to say they have now already become great additions to my social life. I'm only accepting friendship requests of people I actually know and want to be friends with, I don't really see the point in having a load of randomners on there and people that you were never really friends with anyway.

However, some aspects of facebook are a little strange, that I'm not entirely comfortable with. For example a few friends wrote good luck messages on my wall yesterday for my interview, then I had a text off a bloke I know last night asking how it had gone, it was lovely of him to ask but it took me a few minutes to work out how he knew. Feels strange that people from all areas of my life now know what is going on with me, things that I wouldn't necessarily have told them about before. I also met up with someone last week and she was asking about this and that and I realised it was because she had read about it on facebook - very strange. Although all in all I think its a good thing, it keeps you in touch and more up to date about whats going on with your friends and you can always delete things you don't want others to see.

Mr M is still being a model boyfriend, long may it continue! Going doing the groupie bit tonight and I've got quite a few friends going that haven't met him before. Infact The Ex's two ex best friends are coming, that will be a little strange! Hope they all like each other!

Nervous

2007-07-18T10:19:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy and nervous
Wearing: Brown pinstripe suit, beige smart top and chunky jewellery

Happy because things are still going good with Mr M, I had two phone calls last night and one this morning to wish me luck for my interview, he also met me as a surprise for lunch yesterday, he is being very sweet at the moment. I'm feeling nervous as the interview has been brought forward to today, think I am prepared though so it should be okay. I want this job sooooo much, I really hope I get it. Can't stand my current job much longer, its making me go brain dead and gives me far too much time to think and over analyse things, which doesn't help keep me on an even keel.

All is Calm

2007-07-17T11:48:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Black slim cut trousers, green silk blouse tucked in, big black belt

Nothing much to report really, just had a quiet evening wondering round the shops last night. If I have no plans for the evening, I hate going straight home from work, so usually go to the shops for a bit. Can’t bear leaving work and not seeing another soul until I go to work again in the morning. It’s a perfect solution, but maybe not great for my bank balance! Got a lovely red top for work and an orange tunic jumper for my mum’s birthday.

Feeling Almost Content

2007-07-16T10:22:00.000+01:00

Feeling: Happy
Wearing: Brown wide leg trousers, red top

I have had a whole weekend of feeling happy; it’s such a great feeling!

I had a fantastic time on Friday night catching up with an old friend, hopefully she will now be a permanent feature in my life. Really enjoyed work on Saturday night, there was a really good atmosphere, Mr M was there and being really really sweet and attentive, a few blokes were trying it on with me, which I could see was winding him up, but later he said it was just because he was worried I couldn’t handle it – awwww bless, its quite nice having someone look out for me. I don’t have a problem handling things like that anyway, most of the time it goes straight over my head and I don’t even notice the come-on’s. That’s why it took Mr M 18 months to finally kiss me, apparently I had rebuffed every advance he had made, can’t believe I didn’t notice though, as I really fancied him! Mr M stayed over again, I love spending the night with him so much, although it’s usually not a very good night’s sleep. He likes to ‘hold’ me whilst he’s sleeping, which is very sweet and enjoyable, but in reality it’s not very comfortable having 16 stone of man ‘holding’ you.

My dad also came in the bar with some friends, he was pretty drunk as it was a leaving do for someone, he always get soppy when drunk and was telling everyone that I was still his little girl etc. He made a few comments, which I think were directed at Mr M! One of his friends was coming on to me, which I did notice as it was very obvious, I enjoyed watching his face when I pointed out who my dad was ha ha!

Missed Mr M last night, but he rang just before I went to sleep, which was a nice surprise.

Lets see what this week brings, I probably won’t be seeing Mr M until Friday, I always struggle in between seeing him, but I’m determine this week not to get stressed and insecure about it all. I want to try and keep this happy feeling….

I Need Sleep!

2007-07-13T10:51:00.001+01:00

Feeling: Happy - yay!
Wearing: Cream slash neck top, brown pinstripe trousers

I went to watch Mr M in a gig last night, we had a really good time and he was very sweet and complimentary, as he always is when I actually see him, it’s just the times in between that are the problem. I’d arranged to meet a bloke there I worked with 5 years ago, we found each other on facebook, it was really nice to see him and thankfully everyone got on well! I drove so Mr M could have a drink, he did the usual male thing all the way home, trying to tell me how to drive, which lane to be in etc. why do men do that? When we got back to mine he did say that he hadn’t realised what a great driver I am, so he is forgiven! He decided he couldn’t sleep until he had eaten, so I now have a bed full of crisps and various other crumbs. He had to be in work early, so set his alarm for 5am, this went off every half hour and he still wasn’t up when I left for work at 9:30am – good job he’s the boss! We didn’t get in until 2am, so I’m very very tired right now, not sure how I’m going to make it to Sunday, when I can catch up on some sleep.

Tonight I’m meeting a girl I worked with 10 years ago, another found through facebook. I can’t wait, but hoping we still get on brilliantly, she was lovely. Then I have a big shopping day planned with my sister tomorrow and work tomorrow night, feeling even more sleepy at the thought of it all.